Quest for Authenticity

My #1 Battle

2009-06-10T12:39:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been in a hurry. We've had a lot on our plate, which is to be expected, but my hurry hasn't been very productive. This week it finally caught up to me. Sunday after church, I met up with a sitter (Cassie--love her!) to watch the boys while Ricky and I had lunch with some friends. I got Camden out of the car and, while turning to talk to Cassie, shut the door. Only, I didn't get my finger out of the way in time! Ouch! It's been three days and it's still swollen. In a few more days, I'm sure the nail will give way. Yay.

That, among many other things, has had me rethinking how I go about my day--and my life. You see, I'm not one of those people who are highly organized--the kind of person that can't go to sleep until the dishes are done. You might be one of those lucky people. I've seen your kind. You have a place for everything and everything in it's place. Trust me, I LONG to be like you. I just have no idea how. I'm frustrated by the behaviors that cause the chaos around me. I know that most of the time it comes down to my lack of planning, or keeping up with tasks while they're still small. I've always been a shoot-from-the-hip kinda girl. Yes, I know, that makes the care-free, fun-loving type, but at some point you've got to grow up, right? While I know that I've improved considerably over the years, I'm still hitting this wall everywhere I turn. I HATE this! If I could change anything about me, it would be this.

I know that the difference between myself and person A goes all the way down to the difference in the way we think. I look at those dirty dishes and feel an insurmountable weight, a motivation to sleep, eat, or anything but take care of that mess. Person A looks at those same dirty dishes and is motivated into action and gets it done.

And it's here where a holy conviction comes in. I'm certainly not trying to compare myself with anyone including Person A, but I know that God has better for me. First of all, "God is not a God of disorder" (I Cor 14:33)--hello! Secondly, Christ came to set us free (see New Testament!). I don't want to squander that gift. I know I could do better for myself, my family, and Christ's Kingdom if this one area in my life were free from this. So that's my goal, my focus. If I can work to run a half marathon, I can work to change the way I behave.

How's that for authenticity?

A Few of My Favorite Things...

2009-05-27T12:25:00.000-07:00

In the last several weeks, things have been a little crazy. I spoke for the first time on Mother's Day. It was an experience that I truly cherished, although I was insanely nervous about it. Two days later, I found myself in an ER after experiencing what we now figure to be an anxiety attack. Me? An anxiety attack?! Seriously, I'm one of the most laid back people I know. However, considering the pressure I allowed myself to feel, it becomes a lot more understandable--not to mention the fact that I'm a mother of two young boys, my husband and I just started a church, and our income changes like the wind (to name just a few).

So, for my post today, I'd like to take from Philippians 4:8 and "think on these things"...a few of my favorite things in life (warning: don't take this too seriously!):

Laying my head down on the pillow to drift asleep.
That first sip of a tall caramel mocha (Starbucks, of course).
Cale grabbing my face, turning it to one side, and kissing me on the cheek.
Camden singing his heart out.
My (still) living flowers in my otherwise horrendous flower bed.
The arrival of my Real Simple issue.
When both of the boys are peacefully napping at the same time (these are too rare!).
Pappasito's steak fajitas.
Date nights.
Being all. By. My. Self.
Buying something already on sale and finding out it's another 25% off when you get to the counter!
The day those jeans finally fit again.
75 degrees.
Hearing from a friend.
Making a new friend.
The moment people from my past realize I'm not the girl I used to be.
Thus, second chances.
The smell of honeysuckle that's so great this time of year.
New life.
Being the one to find something that's been lost.
When people laugh at my cheesy-ness.
When the flashing lights behind me go around me!
Having a good laugh.
Having a good experience shopping at Walmart with my kids.
On-line grocery shopping.

Alright, that's all for now. There's much more, but I'll spare you! Have a great day!

Pruning

2009-04-30T12:16:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm gonna warn you. This is a tough post. I'm not an expert on anything I'm about to write. However, I wanted to share a little thought that came my way this week. I'd love to hear your comments or experiences you may have had with this too!

My brother-in-law sent a text this week to Ricky about John 15 really speaking to him. So we decided to read it ourselves. I'm pretty sure we all got a little something different from it. I've read this passage many times, as well as, heard many messages about it. This week, something new leaped off the page at me. It says, "I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." (John 15:1,2)

Have you ever been at a place where you felt like you were finally "getting it right"? Whether it be with your health, finances, marriage, whatever, it was something you were really putting all your best efforts to line things up with God's plan. Then, whoosh! The rug got pulled out from under you. You're left feeling like things were so much easier not doing things God's way. Well, I can definitely say I've been there. Take finances, for example. I remember a time when Ricky and I really started to get things lined out. We had made a lot of dumb choices in the past and were determined to live responsibly and tithe intentionally. Although things turned around quickly for us, it took awhile for the turn around to start. Another occasion was when we were really beginning to see the plan God had for us with The Well. It seemed like a matter of days after that we found out that Ricky had a tumor. Had it been malignant, the doctor would have given him 6 months to year to live!

For most of my life, we've attributed these things to the enemy. Perhaps you've heard people say, "Well, you must be doing something right for Satan to be attacking you like that!" While I believe that could well be the case, I'm not so sure it always is. That's where this scripture comes in. It's easy to understand when God cuts off the branches in our lives that aren't bearing fruit, but did you catch that He prunes the places that ARE bearing fruit? I never realized until I read it this week, that some of those set backs that happen to us when we're doing the right thing, might be God getting us further down the road. It's irony at it's best.

So if you've found yourself mad and frustrated because you're in a place like this. Take heart! Keep at it and don't give up. God doesn't waste these moments and neither should we. You're growing!

Not So Much Afraid

2009-04-23T18:58:00.000-07:00

Depending how you look at it, this may or may not be a continuation of my last two posts. However, it's something that I've found myself thinking about a lot lately when hearing some of the struggles of the people around me (including my own). What is it? In a word: fear. It's a horrible little four-letter word that has taken up residency in too many of us. It's truly causing so much destruction in our lives and yet we're not even seeing it. Here are some of the ways I've seen it played out in myself and others:

not living up to your best for fear of failure
unable to be authentic for fear of not being accepted
not tackling finances head-on and suffering financially for fear that you really can't afford the life you want to have
not cleaning up life's messes for fear it will take too long or require too much effort
allowing our physical bodies to deteriorate for fear that diet and exercise will be too great of a sacrifice

Those are the big ones, but fear rules us in little, everyday things too. I'm not writing all of this out of a heart of judgment (I'm talking to myself too, ya know). This is coming from a heart that's breaking over the damage it's caused. I'm truly compelled to preach you and me a message in the form of a blog!

II Timothy 1:7 tells us that God did not give us the spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love, and a sound mind. Have you ever noticed that when you're dealing with the things that make you afraid, you feel powerless and can't even think clearly? Honestly, it's rational to behave normally around people and not try to put up a front. It's rational to open up a bank statement. It's rational to add in a few fruits and veggies. Now, I realize there's usually a lot more to it than the picture I'm painting. But just imagine how much more prepared we could be when going into battle with our struggles if fear weren't in the picture!

I hope we'll both take hold of the fact that God has given us power, love, and a sound mind. We can access this at any moment, any time, in any situation. When we are being overtaken by fear, we can know it's not from God. We can, through His help, overcome ALL of these things in our lives. "...In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." (Romans 8:37 NIV)

Lost and Found: The Easy Road pt 2

2009-04-15T12:41:00.000-07:00

Hey, at least I warned you there'd be more!

Have you ever thought something like, "I know I'm supposed to be myself, but who am I?" In my journey of trying to be authentic, I had to face this one head on. There's a mythological character that works so hard to be someone he's not, he ends up forgetting who he started out being. That's sort of how I felt. I had worked for so long being who I thought everyone wanted me to be, I completely lost sight of Me.

I started reading the gospels for the answer. Seriously, if the Bible had a google page, you could type "How to find myself" and it would site Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John! Who knew? Anyway, here's one of the many examples I found, "Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself?" (Matthew 16, The Message) So, yes, it's just that crazy--when you lose yourself to Christ, is when you actually find out who you are. It's so hard because it requires a loss of control on our part. Think of how many things we want in an effort to make ourselves feel better. We're always left wanting more and our self-esteem continually being robbed, not to mention other areas in our lives.

Give it up today--I know it's not so easy, but the first step never is! Give up your life, your whole life, to Christ and finally live the enriched life your heart truly desires. It's the most amazing thing I've ever done!

The Easy Road

2009-04-10T20:18:00.000-07:00

I've been doing some thinking lately about this "quest for authenticity". It seems like I end up talking about it to so many people around me. We all struggle at some level with happily being who are. My journey has certainly been a long one.

My issues with a low self-image and insecurity became so severe in college that my roommate (psych major, no less) told me I should get professional help! She was right and I knew it. I recall going to set up an appointment with the school counselor only to find that she was booked for the rest of the semester. I felt so hopeless. Although I'm a big fan of professional counseling, I look back and see that God had a different plan for me. He took me down a road where I could accept myself, even before I really knew myself. This road has had it's share of ups and downs, but it's been worth it.

I remember times where I would envision what life would be like without worrying what people thought of me and it made me afraid. It seemed so hard to live that way! There were simply way too many "what if's": what if I'm not concerned enough about the way I look and end up a frumpy mess? what if I don't care enough about what I say and sound like an idiot? what if I don't live up to their expectations and they're left with a big disappointment? I could go on, but you get the idea. I was truly afraid that if I let these insecurities go, I would become less of a person I already felt I was. What I know now, is that those thoughts were lies that held me down like chains. The truth is this: when you accept yourself for the creation God has made, you begin to see who you really are. It's then that you can behave authentically. And let me tell you, it's WAY easier!!! I can have a conversation without being flooded with a million thoughts that cause me to fear or feel badly about myself. What's more, is that I can be a pastor's wife (there, I said it!) and not worry if people will like me or even come back to the church because of my 'performance' (or lack thereof). I can just go about my day free to be me and focus on far more important things.

I have a feeling there may be a part II to this one...there's just so much more to say...

The Label

2009-04-01T14:36:00.000-07:00

If you've read just a few of my blogs, you would know that I'm not crazy about the title "Pastor's Wife". Just too many connotations (see past blogs) come to mind when I hear it. However, this past Sunday, something changed. Although it only consisted of two letters, it had a monumental impact in me. This is what happened: Ricky and I went out with a couple who have just started coming to The Well. She was telling me about a recipe I had given her that she brought to a party a few days prior and it was a big hit. She said, "I told them I got the recipe from my pastor's wife." Boom. There is was. She couldn't have paid me a greater compliment by placing that teeny little word in front of my most dreaded title. The word "my" made all the difference. It was something I never expected. In that one word, I go from the untouchable, "perfect", churchy woman to a person of significant, spiritual leadership. I went from someone who had to meet expectations to a woman who would rise to the occasion. I wanted leap over the table and hug her. Instead, I just sat and savored the moment. It's funny, she has no idea what her words meant to me. I suppose I should tell her.

This is who I grew up wanting to be. Although the many life experiences caused me to run from it for awhile, and although I'm having to redefine what it means to me, I can now say that I'm proud to be a pastor's wife. For I know that I'm not just any pastor's wife, I'm their pastor's wife.

Missing Church

2009-03-25T19:07:00.000-07:00

For the first time in my life, I missed church. Absent from church? Plenty of times. But truly feeling like I'm missing out on something because I can't be there? I'm pretty sure, never. However, last Sunday, Cale and I were both sick. Fever, coughing, aching, the whole nine yards. Fortunately, I had capable hands that were able to handle my responsibilities. Unfortunately, I wanted to be there but couldn't. I wanted to hug the necks of my brothers and sisters on the team. I wanted to catch up with some of my new friends that have started coming. I wanted to meet the new people that came. I even wanted to hear my husband speak. (I know, but he's pretty good!)

Can you really believe that?! I know it's crazy to hear about someone actually wanting to go church--especially the pastor's wife! But it's true! I'm so glad I'm a part of a church that is full of people being real with each other. It's a place where there's not a lot of "fluff" to sit through to get to the part that's supposed to mean something. AND it's not boring for crying out loud!

Yes, Claremore, OK needs The Well, but I do too. I'm so proud to be in this!

It's Time

2009-03-19T10:24:00.000-07:00

It's been 4 weeks since the launch of The Well and I have one thing to say: "AHHHH!!!" Ricky's work schedule with his other job has gotten heavier, the church is growing, and life isn't getting any lighter. He's starting to feel like a work machine and I'm feeling like a single mother! We'd be idiots if we didn't see it coming. That doesn't make it any easier. We're sick of the word "season" too--as in, "Oh, you know, this is just a 'season', hang in there!" WE KNOW ALREADY!!!

Here's the thing, seasons change. And it's time for the Van Pay's to have it. We had a long talk yesterday (yes, tears were involved). We simply can't continue living like this. It's all we can do to get out of bed lately. We're exhausted. The one thing that CAN give is the hardest thing to give up: Ricky's job. Not only has it been our personal cushion, but it's been the church's as well. While our current financial situation is fine, we don't know what the future holds. I honestly believe that anyone on the outside would look at the numbers and advise us to make this next step. It's just scary!

The bottom line is that we'd rather pinch pennies and be able to make eye contact with each other on a daily basis, than be 'ships passing' and not have to worry so much about finances. So, pray for us!

Crisis

2009-03-11T13:35:00.001-07:00

In the last several weeks, so many of my close friends and family have been hit with a crisis. Cancer, unexplained health issues, major marital struggle, and child-bearing hardships are just a few of these situations. My heart aches for each of them. I've tried my best to make phone calls or send little notes their way to let them know I'm here for them. It simply doesn't seem like enough in light of what they're facing. However, I'm no counselor and I certainly don't want to give my two cents when I truly don't know what it's like to be in their specific shoes.

I have been faced with my own share of hard times; when you're blindsided with a horrific situation. It seems like yesterday Ricky sat me down and told me he had a tumor. Those few months of uncertainty were tough! And here we are on the other side and everything's fine. Sometimes, it doesn't end that way.

Here's what I've learned: life is a journey. I know, that's nothing new, but it's absolutely true. These hardships can seem like the edge of a cliff that will bring this journey to an end, only it doesn't at all. The road still stretches out in front of you. Yes, it may take turns we didn't intend or want, but there it is. I think the most challenging part of dealing with a crisis is simply continuing to walk that road. I know it's hard, but you must keep walking. Why? Because there is always a place on this path that we can turn and look back and discover that we're on the other side. It may take a few days or a few years, but you'll get there. I also know that life won't ever be the same on the other side--that's not always as bad as we think either.

If you're one that is going through a difficult time, I hope you hear my heart. In no way, do I mean to make light of a dark place in your life. With all of this said, the most important thing anyone can do on this life journey is to take God with you. Don't go it alone. It might even seem like He's not there when you want Him to be. That's okay. He can be difficult to find when everything seems to be falling apart.

Lord, I pray for those who are going through a hard time today. Help them to find You in it. Help them to keep walking. Bring them safely to the other side. Amen.

Thoughts of a Pastor's Wife

2009-03-04T14:12:00.000-08:00

Wow, just writing the title of this post makes me cringe a little. I have a hard time saying that I'm a "Pastor's Wife". There are too many stereotypes and connotations that come with it. It isn't that I don't want to be one. I just hate that I can't tell people that's what I am without wondering if something changes in their perception of me. I'm already starting to be treated differently for bearing this title. Fortunately, it's been pleasant so far. We have volunteers that have made me feel like they've got my back on everything. One family in particular has especially communicated this to me. They help me with Camden on Sundays and make sure I'm available to talk to our guests. It's amazing, really, but I'm still not comfortable with it.

Another thought that's making me squirm is the issue of finances. Ricky and I have yet to be paid from The Well--by choice. However, as soon as it's possible, we plan/hope for that to change. It's been so hard for Ricky to be working a full time job and get the church on its feet at the same time. Thus, it hasn't been easy for the rest of us. So what happens when we start to get income from the church? And then what happens when we decide to get a new car or I show up to church with a new outfit? It bothers me that this bothers me! I certainly don't plan to squander any of the money God sends our way, whether it be from Ricky's job or the church or wherever. I've just never been so aware of the importance of each dollar coming from the people of The Well. I know some are giving truly by faith. And that will never change. There will always be those giving that have very little means. So here I am. Yes, Ricky and I each have degrees, we're both ordained, blah, blah, blah. That doesn't mean I should live in the lap of luxury either.

I hope some of you other "wives" can help me on this one. I also hope to hear from those that aren't. This is my first time to really be "The Wife". As a church member, I never once thought anything about the pastor and his family getting or spending too much of my hard-earned tithe. Perhaps I just didn't think that deeply about it. What I do know is that I cannot live my life worried about what people think--especially when it comes to the way we handle our finances. I suppose I just need some clarity, and a little comfort. :)

Foreverness Begun

2009-02-24T13:40:00.000-08:00

Two days ago, what started as a far-fetched dream became a reality. As the clock ticked closer to 10am, people came trickling in...and they kept coming. My eyes welled up as I watched family and friends pull into the parking lot. Before I knew it, the place was packed. There was a beautiful feeling of expectancy in the air. My heart was beating out of my chest!

As I began to sing, I calmed down a little. It was so hard to not be distracted by the million thoughts that flooded my head. The music reached an end and I felt like I truly gave God my all. The "baton" was passed on to Ricky and he spoke the words that God had been burning in his heart for the last 6 months. Then, the theater emptied. It was over, we did it. The Well was launched. So, now what?

The roller coaster that's been on it's uphill climb is now plunging down the big hill. My stomach is still in my throat! The five people that accepted Christ are ready to be discipled and they're all I can think about. I've never felt so passionate about them learning what it truly means to follow Him. At the same time, there are some wonderful people God has brought us that are eager to be a part of the team and I want to build a closer relationship with them. And, of course, there are teammates we already have that I want to contact and let them know how much I love and appreciate them. My plate is officially full.

Fortunately, my heart is too. I look back on a day about a year and a half ago where I set out for a little jog. I was determined to hear from God. Ricky was coming home day after day telling me all the things he felt like the Holy Spirit was sharing with him on his long drives for his job. However, I was the one at home with the 3 yr old and infant just trying to make it through the day without losing my mind. There wasn't much opportunity for me to hear what God was saying. I told Ricky that I although I trusted him in the things he was hearing from God, I wasn't going to pretend that I heard it too. I knew a day would come when I would hear from Him, but until then, I'd just be happy for Ricky and work at not being envious in the meantime. The day finally came when I went for a little run to get some post-baby weight off and just be alone. Somewhere in there, my heart was able to make that long-awaited God-connection. I just remember walking into the house and telling Ricky, "I'm in." I didn't know what was ahead, but I knew for certain, for myself, that God was in it.

If that day had not come, I would be on the first train out of here. God's call to The Well is what is fueling the passion I feel inside. Without that, the work that needs to be done would be just a big "have to". I'm not sure why God chose us, but here we are. I couldn't imagine doing anything else.

If you're in a place like me and you don't feel that passion, I urge you to find His call for you. This is a journey not to be taken lightly. Passion isn't a nice little accessory to ministry, it's essential. And don't do it for the sake of your flock, do it for your sake. Believe me, I remember when the ministry was the last place I wanted to be. Authentically following Christ has made all the difference.

One Week Out

2009-02-15T06:31:00.000-08:00

So, it's Sunday, February 15th and we are officially one week away from our grand opening of The Well. I'm full of mixed emotions and I feel like blogging will help me sort this out. It's like the anticipation of your wedding day or the birth of a child. This is what I've been waiting months for so of course I'm excited. However, there's a huge weight of "foreverness" that I'm trying to work through. Just as I believe marriage is forever, or the fact that you can't un-mother yourself, I feel that same kind of commitment to the mission of The Well. God has most certainly called us to this and I cannot imagine doing anything else for the rest of my life. I just can't seem to shake this tinge of fear in my heart. Last night, Ricky mentioned that this would be our final Sunday we would have off for a very long time. Why did he have to say that?! It's thoughts like that which make me feel the way I do. Next week will be so much fun and I can hardly wait for it. But then what? I want every Sunday to be like our opening day. The harsh reality is that it typically isn't. Just like having a baby, there are responsibilities that will have to be tended to: diapers to change, mouths to feed, the baby always needing something of you (this analogy works really well!). But the point isn't what this is going to require from me. It's what it will require from God. He's the One who can change a life. He's the One who can meet the needs of each person that crosses our path. We are simply an instrument. So, if I'm selfishly worried about having to handle the hard things, I'll be selfishly pleased with getting the good things out of this. That's not the kind of pastors God has called us to be. Lesson learned: take captive these thoughts and focus on the call to show the souls of this community Christ's authentic love.

I knew blogging would help...

Crave

2009-02-10T11:26:00.001-08:00

Alright, so I know it's been forever. I'm trying make blogging more of a priority. We're starting a church for crying out loud--to say I've been busy is a huge understatement! Honestly, the past few months have been the ride of my life. I can't believe all that God has done for The Well and for my family. Our official start day is February 22--that's just around the corner! The people He has brought us are so precious. We couldn't ask for better!

I'm continuing to learn more about what it means to be an authentic follower of Christ. Just recently, I went on a Daniel fast for two weeks. I just really wanted to do something leading into the launch of this church that would give me better focus and enrich my prayer time. It was one of those things I knew I should do, but didn't really want to. I mean, who really wants to fast? In the days leading into it, I really let myself go. I indulged in whatever food met my craving. Once the fast started, the countdown was on. Everything I craved and couldn't have, I would log it into my memory. The plan was to eat all of those things as soon as my two weeks was up. You don't realize how much you think about food until you have to go without it.

That said, I was really feeling like the whole thing was in vain. The kids were crazy, my nights went late, so my mornings were as late as possible (whenever the kids woke up), and I wasn't getting any time alone with God. I kept thinking, "what good is a fast if you don't ever really stop and pray?" Finally, two nights before its end, everyone went to bed except me. I was determined to not allow this fast to end until I made a real connection with God. I turned on the computer and played some worship music. A song that I hadn't really listened to caught my eye and I played it: "Yearn" by Shane & Shane. It's very simple. The chorus goes like this:

Lord, I want to yearn for You.

I want to burn with passion over You,

And only You.

It played over and over again. God's message to me was loud and clear, "Amy, you've been longing to fulfill the cravings of your stomach. It's all you've been thinking about. Even before the fast, you were planning your days around what and when you would eat. I want you to yearn like that for Me. I want your thoughts to revolve around your cravings for Me and when you would spend time with Me." Ouch! The conviction I felt was strong and yet warm. That's just how He is.

I melted. I offered to prolong the fast, but felt released from it. God knew the change occurred. Although I still struggle with self-indulgence, I continue to sense the pull, the craving, for God. I want a deeper relationship with Him like I've not known. There must be more than this...

Mmm...food!

2008-11-13T08:33:00.000-08:00

So, one of the things that annoy more than anything else is unsolicited advice. There are times where I come off as being a little unsure and, wham! People will just come in and give me their two cents worth as if I've lived under a rock my whole life! Unfortunately, I've caught myself in the act of doing that which I hate. And today, I fear I'm about to do it again. However, I am taking into consideration the fact that you have a choice to read this blog and I have decided to continue in handing out my two cents for the day...

For the last several months, I have been training for a half marathon. This is a pretty big deal for me, as I am in no way athletic! That said, it has given me some great time to be alone. A couple of weeks ago, I had to do a long run and decided to give podcasts a whirl. It was of a church planters wife who was speaking at the National New Church Conference. Suffice it to say, I spent most of my run wiping tears instead of sweat from my face. Since then, I have found myself working harder to make sure I get some of that alone time with God. What I've discovered is something that has changed my whole perspective on a "daily devotional life". I have always struggled with the feeling that "time with God" was sort of like punching in for work. As a follower of Christ, as well as a pastor's wife, isn't it my responsibility to do so? After all, "what's a relationship if you never communicate"? I'm pretty sure I just made that statement last Sunday. I don't think I've been at all alone in this mentality.

So here's what I've learned and I want you to find for yourself: stop going to God like you're going to work, and start going to Him like you're going to a restaurant. No, not the kind where you come in and make a list of all the things you want and leave. But it's more like a buffet. And instead of taking your empty plate and choosing what you'd like, take your empty plate and hand it to your Waiter. He'll make the perfect selection that will satisfy your every craving. And you'll leave with a hunger to go back for more. My friend, I sincerely hope that you will "taste and see that the Lord is good." Go to Him and be fed.

Real Relationships

2008-10-02T19:24:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here tonight with a sense of awe at how different the majority of my relationships are today, versus how they were even a year ago. It was about this time last year, that Ricky and I did quite a bit of soul searching. What surfaced within me was the glaringly obvious hang-ups I had experienced in my relationships, especially with "church people". As the wife of a youth pastor, I felt this weight of responsibility in the way I dealt with every person. There were those students whose parents carried a good deal of influence in the church that I would pursue in an effort to measure up to the "powers that be". There were also those students that were highly influential themselves that I would feel unsaid pressure to befriend. At the same time, I would look into the faces of the congregation and see people who I longed to know, yet couldn't get the courage to initiate much of anything with them. Needless to say, my relationships were somewhat dysfunctional and I was left quite lonely. For so long, I blamed "poor wiring" of my personality for the demise of these relationships, not to mention my ability to minister to others. What can I say, I'm not a politician!
However, I've come to realize these last several months that what was lacking was simply authenticity. I had to start by just getting real with myself and being comfortable with the result. So what if I'm not that impressive! Then, I set out to be the friend of another. Maybe it was just striking up a conversation with an old acquaintance, or going all out and inviting someone to dinner, I put myself out there. I would be lying if I said it no longer makes me nervous and this all comes completely naturally to me now. It still takes effort, but what I've discovered is that my relationships as a whole today are far better both in quantity and in quality than ever in my life. I've always been one that cherishes my friendships. Perhaps now, I've just allowed myself to be cherished a little bit more...simply because it's real.

I'd Say It's Time...

2008-08-09T19:51:00.000-07:00

I finally have a few minutes to myself and decided that it's time for a new blog. Trouble is, I got nothin'. I'm typically one that chews on an idea for a little bit before I put something out there, but this time, I'm just gonna write.
It's been a pretty awful day. It was just me and the boys while Ricky was off doing a big bike ride in OKC. I decided to take a really quick shower. When I turned off the water, I could hear Cale crying. Dripping wet, I ran to find him very upset and Camden looking quite guilty. For some reason, he hit his little brother very hard. This sick feeling welled up inside me and I joined Cale in the tears and sent Camden out of the room while I cleared my head. While it's not a parent's worst nightmare, it's up there pretty high. If the pain inflicted upon Cale were by the hand of someone else's child, I'd be having quite a few words to say to the mother (and probably wouldn't be very kind to that child for that matter!). But it was my own flesh and blood that did this--and I'm that mom that would be griped out! The range of emotions were almost too much to handle. So what's a girl to do? I called my mom. At first, I didn't want to. I was ready to hear some kind of implied lesson on why this wouldn't happen if I were a better parent. Instead, she was just there. She came over and we talked about it. I think she understood my hurt.
So now, here it is, the end of the day. And you know what? We all made it. We're fine. While it could've been better, it really could've been worse. Although my eyes are still welling up with tears, I know that what happened is now behind us. I did have a conversation with my good friend who happens to be a psychologist. She knows me well and reminded me that I'm not the worst parent in the world and my child isn't abnormal. (Whew!) That said, I think the most encouraging words I heard all day came from Camden. He wasn't prompted--it really came out of nowhere. He said, "Mommy, Jesus will help me not do that anymore." I sure hope so.
Well, I hope it's not just foolishness to put that all out there. But this IS my "Quest for Authenticity". If I can't be real about the hard stuff, then who am I kidding?
Oh, and thanks, Mom...

How I Role

2008-07-23T12:28:00.000-07:00

Because it's been so long since I last posted, I will give this update...I am inadvertently growing corn in my flower bed. Last April, I was being a nice little green girl and planted some flower seeds on Earth Day. As they were sprouting, I noticed some other long, leafy something sprouting as well. Being the non-gardener type that I am, I thought perhaps another flower seed got mixed in with the one I planted. What I didn't think about, was the fact that I had been filling little bags with some corn feed near the same place they were coming up, around the same time I had planted the flower seeds. Long story short (or at least not so long), there are ears of corn just a week or two shy of harvesting--and we look like the biggest rednecks on our block!
So on a more serious note...I have spent a lot of time these last several months, mulling over an issue and I think it's time to blog about it more specifically. Every time I think about the fact that I carry the label to most people out there as a "pastor's wife", this bit of turmoil gets stirred up in me and I don't really know what to do with it. I've talked to friends, colleagues, other pastors, other pastor's wives, looking for that magic thing for them to say to me that will become my answer to the question, "What is my role?" For most of my life, I thought a pastor's wife should be the one that sits on the front row of every service, always has a smile, sings beautifully, heads up the women's ministry, and maybe even sells Home Interiors (honestly). But if you're like me, I don't want go to a church where the pastor's wife fills that description any more than I want to be that kind of person. So where does that leave me? You might be like me and wear about a million different hats--wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, pastor's wife (my husband hates the phrase even more than I do). How do I give everything the right amount of focus? How do I keep from losing myself in all of this?
I am coming to terms with this one conclusion: this life is a journey, not a destination. The one role that trumps all others is being a Christ follower. The closer to Him I become, the closer to Amy I become. And, the more I lose myself to Him, the more I find myself. While I'll never be the perfect whatever (mother, friend, pastor's wife, etc), I know that as long as I keep my focus on Christ, the closer I'll be to that. My desire in any role or position I take in this life is to be genuine, sincere, kind, and helpful. Hopefully, I'm on my way.

Driving Force

2008-07-06T21:06:00.001-07:00

For those of you who are unaware, my husband is currently training for the Ironman race. It consists of a 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike, and 26.2 mile run (yes, that's a marathon). Although I think he's pretty much crazy to put his body through so much, I truly have a tremendous amount of respect and admiration for him. For the last 3 years, he's worked up to achieving this fantastic goal--and, lost 70+ pounds in the process. So, being in the triathlon "world" I'm exposed to so many amazing stories of people accomplishing this same feat.
No story compares to that of the father/son duo, Dick and Rick Hoyt. When Rick was born, his umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck and cut off oxygen to his brain. Thus, he lives a very limited existence compared to most. Somewhere along the way, his father started running marathons with him (Rick, of course, is being pushed in a wheel chair) and eventually got into the Ironman triathlons. Because he saw how happy it made Rick to be apart of these events, he just kept doing them. If you google their name, you'll find endless video footage of what it takes for him to push and pull his son so they can compete.
A few minutes ago, I watched one of those videos. It's so incredibly inspirational, you can't help but cry. But this time, I realized the beautiful metaphor of this father doing so much just to see how happy it makes his son. As I watched this young man smile and wave his arms, I thought about the fact that he probably has little to no comprehension of what his father has gone through for him to simply have some joy. There's no question that Rick faces challenges and hardships, but I wonder if he understands what challenges and hardships his father faces on his behalf?
Isn't it easy to get wrapped up in both our trials and triumphs and not realize what driving Force is getting us there? We cross some big finish lines without even a thought of what God has done for us to make that happen. Or maybe we're in the thick of it and feel lost and alone--like no one could possibly understand how difficult the situation is. But all along, it's God that's doing the heavy lifting for us. The Bible says to give Him all your burdens because He cares for you. And when you do, a divine trade takes place. He gives you a burden in return--it's easy and light.
Watch the video. Make the trade.

Signs and Wonders

2008-07-03T05:25:00.000-07:00

I have intended to post a blog sooner, but simply didn't have one. I battled a little with this one because it's sort of a theological issue and I'm no great theologian to say the least. However, I felt the need to share with you from my latest prayer journal entry:

I think I discovered something new (yet not really new) when I read Acts 3. It's when Peter and John are walking to the Temple and stop to help the crippled man at the gate. Peter didn't hesitate, didn't have a prayer time, didn't gather a bunch of others around--he just boldly came out and basically said, "In the name of Jesus, walk." And
the guy walked! I thought to myself, "why doesn't this happen anymore?" Then, I decided to read on and got what I believe is the answer. A crowd formed after the man was healed, so Peter took advantage of the opportunity to witness to them about Jesus. He began by asking, "why stare at us as if our power or piety made him walk?"
(Message) Peter knew it had nothing to do with him. He understood that no credit should be given to him, not even the one that says, "well, you still allowed God to use you." I think we're so quick to give ourselves or others at least a little credit for the things God does for us or through us. Maybe if He thought He could trust us to not have even
an ounce of that attitude in us, then perhaps we would see that happen.

If you're anything like me, you've been jaded (understatement!) by the hoopla of things like "healing services" or TV evangelists. I realize that I'm bothered the most by the fact that God is having to share His glory with man and, therefore, I doubt it's authenticity. I want to see miracles happen--the signs and wonders the Bible talks about. I want to see people that will let God use them to accomplish those things with no thought of themselves. I think God does too.

Things I've Learned In the Last 3 Decades...

2008-06-18T13:16:00.000-07:00

First, two things to note: this is not an exhaustive list, and it is in no particular order.

Don't throw a birthday party for yourself at your own house. It's hard to enjoy the reason everyone came.
Exercising really does give you more energy.
Pop really does end up around your middle.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
Unless it's softball, and you're 8 years old. Don't keep trying. Stick with the piano lessons.
Give people a break. Whether it's the guy that just pulled out in front of you, or the "Pharisee" on the front row, or the "sinner" on the back row.
If you're going to sing or speak in front of people, don't apologize for something and say, "bear with me, everyone..."
When someone begins a comment with the words, "bless their heart", they're really just saying something that isn't nice in a way that makes them feel better. (example, "bless their heart, they just can't sing" or "bless their heart, their nose is soooo big")
There's something wonderful about the smell and taste of coffee in the morning.
Some people don't have room in their life for another friend. It's their loss not yours.
I will always have enough room for another friend (or an old one to come back around).
Although it's frustrating, love does find you and it doesn't need your help (unless you need a bath and that's just a whole different subject...).
Some days, Camden will be wonderfully obedient and take a nap for me and everything. Other days, he will defy me at every turn.
Camden chooses which day it will be.
Naps are a mother's best friend...
Nothing quite compares to hearing the word, "momma" directed at you.
Nothing quite compares to hearing the words, "I love you" from the one you love.
People change for the good too.
I cannot play any sport that involves a ball or other circular-like object.
If you're going to sing the National Anthem, just sing it. Don't add a bunch of stuff to it. Unless, of course, you're Whitney Houston.
I'm pretty sure you're not Whitney Houston.
Singing is good for you, body and soul, even if you're not good at it.
You can't sing if you don't have a certain amount of joy in your heart.

Okay, that's all for now. What's on your list?

The Red Leather Skirt

2008-06-09T05:48:00.000-07:00

It's 5th grade. Popularity is now in full force at Roosa Elementary. Sadly, I didn't make the cut. I looked at a group of girls that once invited me to their slumber parties, but now wouldn't give me the time of day. Then, I began to figure it out (or so I thought). It's all in clothes. They were always decked out in their Units belts and Dexter shoes (hello, flashback!). I was always decked out in my Multiples belts (Dillard's knock-off) and Payless wanna-be's. But one day came, and I had it. My ticket into that little group that hung out in the hallway before class. My mom grabbed it off the sale rack--my new, red, leather skirt! I should mention here to think sweet, innocent red, leather skirt, not Pretty Woman red, leather skirt. Anyway, I distinctly recall showing up that day with a whole new confidence. I spotted the cool-girl circle and went for it. What I expected to happen was for them to turn and see me coming and immediately stand in awe of my gorgeous, expensive-looking outfit, and say something like, "Wow, Amy! You're so cool. Why don't you be popular like us!" However, the story went another direction. I walked up and I'm pretty sure they didn't even notice me for awhile. Then, I heard them talking about people I didn't know. I kept trying for a place to say something, but there just wasn't much I could say. A few of them gave me the look like, "Um, who are you and why are you here?" It hit me hard--the painful truth that my one outfit wasn't enough to get in with them. I turned to see my friend Sarah and couple of others (probably wondering, "what is she doing?") and decided that I liked them better anyway. And they liked me too, with or without the red, leather skirt.
I suppose the lesson is obvious. Be okay with who you are, right? But as I look back, there's a sense of pride in myself for going for it. This is what I read this morning in John 12: "But if you let it (your life) go, reckless in your love, you'll have it forever, real and eternal." Keyword: reckless. I struggle so often to put myself out there in my relationships. To walk up to that group of friends and join in like I should've already been there. Of course, it's not for the sake of popularity, but for showing them God's love. If I will just stay focused on the fact that my motivation isn't self-acceptance, the reckless part will come naturally. So, go for it! That family member, co-worker, neighbor, whomever, needs to know the love in your heart far more than you know.

Lighten Up!

2008-06-03T20:34:00.000-07:00

How many times have I had to decide whether I'll just go with the gut feeling and fall apart or take a few steps back and laugh? Too often, I've taken the former. Case and point: imagine a crock pot full of freshly made stew (minus two bowls' worth) sitting on the counter. I'm in another part of the house and hear the awful crash. I walk in the kitchen to find this

All I can think about is how much money just got splattered all over Camden and my kitchen. I was irate! All Ricky can think to do is laugh and grab the camera. Despite his efforts for me to join him in the hilarity of the moment, I just couldn't let it go. Gone were all the delicious meals I had coming to me! I had my heart set on it (yes, I know it's just stew, but I LOVE it). I finally managed to kick them out of the room and blow off steam while scrubbing up the mess. To my regret, I missed out on a good laugh.

On the flip side...This past Sunday, Ricky was out of town for a triathlon, and I was "single-mommin" it for the weekend. I was completely ready for church, all I had to do was change clothes. I had the boys ready to take a bath but when I reached down to plug the drain, force of habit took over, and I pulled the shower on instead. You guessed it, GUSH! All down the back of my head. "NNnnnoooooo!" That was my exact response. However, it was met with some positive energy that I think must have come straight from God knowing what I needed right at that moment! So while the kids played together in the tub, I stood at the sink and redid the 'do--the very blonde 'do. I found myself smiling and thinking of how that was just the dumbest thing I've done in awhile.

So, here's the deal. I wasted soooo much time and energy being frustrated and angry, not to mention I probably came down too hard on Camden, in story A. However, in story B, I had a much better time and I still managed to get to church on time (which was a miracle in and of itself!).

Take it from me (this is self-talk too), remember that just because a situation might warrant bad, or simply angry, behavior, it doesn't mean you have to go there. Besides, you'll enjoy yourself more (and everyone else for that matter) if you'll just let it go and lighten up.

My Baby's One!

2008-05-31T13:01:00.000-07:00

I'm sure every mother can relate to all the feelings of seeing your children grow up. Although we celebrate each milestone, there's a bit of sadness that seems to go along with it. I know it's cliche, but I'm just positive it was yesterday that I held Cale in my arms for the first time. However, I look at the calendar and somehow 5/31/07 became 5/31/08. With the chaos of having two boys, I have spent much of this past year hoping for a little more self-sufficiency from this little guy. Now that he's achieved so much, a part of me wishes to go back.
So here I am reminiscing the joy that Cale has brought to our lives and feeling my eyes well up a little. In so many ways, I'm just starting to get to know him. Every day, more and more of his personality is revealed. While the days of cradling my precious second son are gone, I have so many richer, deeper days ahead. Happy Birthday, my sweet Cale!
Oh, and for those of you who are interested, you can go here to see him devour his birthday cake. It's pretty cute but if you close your eyes and just listen, you might think you're watching WWF for babies. Kinda wierd, right?

Same, But Different

2008-05-27T18:21:00.000-07:00

Ricky and I took the boys to a ginormous (Elf-ism) playground over the weekend. I've heard it's the largest one in Oklahoma and by the looks of it, I believe the rumor to be true. While I spent the majority of the time chasing Camden around, I managed to "tag" Ricky and we traded. I took Cale to the swings and he took Camden to get a blueberry cheesecake shaved ice. (I have to note at this point, which is completely irrelevant, that in a 3yr old's body, blue shaved ice not only goes in blue, but comes out blue! We're talkin' like playdoh! Disgustingly interesting--interestingly disgusting...not sure.)
Anyway, two grandmas came up and put their little guy in one of the nearby swings. I commented on how big of a boy he was and asked his age. He was just a few months older than Cale. Then they told me I should see his mother and that she was playing around there somewhere. In my effort to be relational, I went on and on about how I had just finished playing too with my older son. Shortly after, they pointed to some swings behind me and said, "Oh look, there she is now." And to my surprise, I realized that when they said she was playing, they really meant playing. She was not at the playground for her son's enjoyment. She was there because she wanted to play herself. After all, it was appropriate for someone her age to do so. My only thought was, "Wow, these two little boys are so similar in their age and size, but their lives couldn't be more different."
Please do not misunderstand me. I haven't said all this to point judgment on this girl or her family or whatever. I just didn't see it coming. That little boy looked like any other child with the typical mother and father in their 20's or 30's spending the afternoon with Grandma. However, that simply wasn't his story.
So here's the lesson learned: you just never know about someone until you really start talking to them. In college, I heard this countless times, "Amy, I thought you were such a snob until I got to know you." The real story was that I was paralizingly insecure and didn't talk to very many people. I was just sure they wouldn't like me! Just as they didn't initially take a chance on me, I didn't take the chance on them! I suggest we drop the whole charade and just start talking to people. Don't wait until they make the first move. They're probably doing the same. And you never know, that "snob" might be more down to earth than you think!

Fabulous Babe

2008-05-21T12:10:00.000-07:00

Remember when you were little and would be playing out in the front yard pretending to be a princess, pirate, that cool kid on TV, or whoever, while being completely thoughtless about anyone watching you? Ah, those were the days! My memory of it all was triggered by a picture my husband stole from my parents. It's his favorite one of me--I was around 2 years old, my hair in pigtails (and yes, yellow bows to boot), and a little t-shirt that said "Fabulous Babe". (If I ever learn how, I'll try to get it on here...) I had no reason to believe that I was anything less than what my shirt reflected. Sadly, somewhere along the way, I became increasingly aware that people were watching me and began to care about what they were thinking. For years I've battled with issues of insecurity. It's hurt my relationships and stifled what God was able to do through me.
I've been working at this for a long time now and I'm happy say that I am seeing results (sounds like an ad for Jenny Craig, doesn't it?). I truly am learning how to approach a person without getting all bound up and nervous. Last week, I met a lot of new people that normally, I would have spent way too much time and energy trying to impress them. Instead, I chose to just be me. Today, I went to the park with my boys in an effort to meet someone new (this would have scared me to death a couple of years ago!). Again, I didn't try too hard to be someone impressive. I left there knowing there were two moms of boys that wouldn't mind my company if I saw them there again someday.
Is it just me, or does this seem all too elementary? It shouldn't be this hard, but it is. To get all "spiritual", I honestly think that hell itself is trying to get us Christ-followers caught up in stuff like this and cause us to be incapable of doing the work of God. This is what I read today in John 4 (the Message, as usual), "That's the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before Him in their worship." I feel like raising my hand and saying, "Pick me! I'm the Fabulous Babe over here just trying to stay true to who You made me to be!"
Does anyone relate to this? Are you struggling to trust God and let yourself go? Believe me, He made you a Fabulous Babe too. Maybe one day you'll get the T-shirt!

My Quest for Authenticity Has Begun...

2008-05-19T12:29:00.000-07:00

I feel such a weight of responsibility as I begin this endeavor known as a blog. Being that this is my inaugural post, there's a bit of pressure to make it good! Plus, the reason I'm doing this--fellow pastor's wives (or "spouses" for you hubbies out there)--I believe we can help each other! So as I sit here on my couch typing away, my nerves are starting to get the better of me...so here goes...

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a "pastor's wife". That is, until I really became one. I recall a conversation I had with a fellow "wife" who said that there is nothing she'd rather do than be a "pastor's wife". At the time, all I could think of was, "Wow, I could think of a million things!" Looking back, I've discovered the difference between her and I--authenticity. She was the wife of my senior pastor, where my husband and I were serving as the youth pastors. She had a unique way about her that was so genuine. Unfortunately, I had allowed myself to get caught up in the pressure of trying to be who I thought everyone (including me) wanted me to be. It didn't take long for me to become exhausted by such a task. The harder I worked to be this picture of perfection, the worse I felt about myself. Two and a half years later, I was hunting for a way out.

Another two and a half years has passed, and I'm just now realizing what really happened. I lost my true self. In doing so, I lost what God was calling me to do. I now understand that you cannot accomplish His perfect will for your life until you let yourself be yourself. Otherwise, the "masks" we put up are just road blocks to allowing what God can really do through us.

This has led me to reading the Scripture with a whole new light. More and more, I'm finding that authenticity is the key to serving Christ (among a few other things, I'm sure). I believe this will truly unlock so many closed doors we keep running into--and not just in the church.

In Matthew 23 (the Message) it says, "if you're content to simply be yourself, your life will count for plenty." Isn't that what we all want? Don't we just want to matter...to people...to God? I want so badly to impress others that I find myself requiring others to be impressive to me...and so the cycle goes on. So whoever you are out there reading this, I hope you will join me in the effort to trust God that who He made us to be is enough. Trying to add to or take away from that will be not only to our detriment, but everyone around us.