Thoughts of a Pastor's Wife

Wow, just writing the title of this post makes me cringe a little.  I have a hard time saying that I'm a "Pastor's Wife".  There are too many stereotypes and connotations that come with it.  It isn't that I don't want to be one.  I just hate that I can't tell people that's what I am without wondering if something changes in their perception of me.  I'm already starting to be treated differently for bearing this title.  Fortunately, it's been pleasant so far.  We have volunteers that have made me feel like they've got my back on everything.  One family in particular has especially communicated this to me.  They help me with Camden on Sundays and make sure I'm available to talk to our guests.  It's amazing, really, but I'm still not comfortable with it.

Another thought that's making me squirm is the issue of finances.  Ricky and I have yet to be paid from The Well--by choice.  However, as soon as it's possible, we plan/hope for that to change.  It's been so hard for Ricky to be working a full time job and get the church on its feet at the same time.  Thus, it hasn't been easy for the rest of us.  So what happens when we start to get income from the church?  And then what happens when we decide to get a new car or I show up to church with a new outfit?  It bothers me that this bothers me!  I certainly don't plan to squander any of the money God sends our way, whether it be from Ricky's job or the church or wherever.  I've just never been so aware of the importance of each dollar coming from the people of The Well.  I know some are giving truly by faith.  And that will never change.  There will always be those giving that have very little means.  So here I am.  Yes, Ricky and I each have degrees, we're both ordained, blah, blah, blah.  That doesn't mean I should live in the lap of luxury either.  

I hope some of you other "wives" can help me on this one.  I also hope to hear from those that aren't.  This is my first time to really be "The Wife".  As a church member, I never once thought anything about the pastor and his family getting or spending too much of my hard-earned tithe.  Perhaps I just didn't think that deeply about it.  What I do know is that I cannot live my life worried about what people think--especially when it comes to the way we handle our finances.  I suppose I just need some clarity, and a little comfort.  :)

Foreverness Begun

Two days ago, what started as a far-fetched dream became a reality.  As the clock ticked closer to 10am, people came trickling in...and they kept coming.  My eyes welled up as I watched family and friends pull into the parking lot.  Before I knew it, the place was packed.  There was a beautiful feeling of expectancy in the air.  My heart was beating out of my chest!  

As I began to sing, I calmed down a little.  It was so hard to not be distracted by the million thoughts that flooded my head.  The music reached an end and I felt like I truly gave God my all.  The "baton" was passed on to Ricky and he spoke the words that God had been burning in his heart for the last 6 months.  Then, the theater emptied.  It was over, we did it.  The Well was launched.  So, now what?

The roller coaster that's been on it's uphill climb is now plunging down the big hill.  My stomach is still in my throat!  The five people that accepted Christ are ready to be discipled and they're all I can think about.  I've never felt so passionate about them learning what it truly means to follow Him.  At the same time, there are some wonderful people God has brought us that are eager to be a part of the team and I want to build a closer relationship with them.  And, of course, there are teammates we already have that I want to contact and let them know how much I love and appreciate them.  My plate is officially full.  

Fortunately, my heart is too.  I look back on a day about a year and a half ago where I set out for a little jog.  I was determined to hear from God.  Ricky was coming home day after day telling me all the things he felt like the Holy Spirit was sharing with him on his long drives for his job.  However, I was the one at home with the 3 yr old and infant just trying to make it through the day without losing my mind.  There wasn't much opportunity for me to hear what God was saying.  I told Ricky that I although I trusted him in the things he was hearing from God, I wasn't going to pretend that I heard it too.  I knew a day would come when I would hear from Him, but until then, I'd just be happy for Ricky and work at not being envious in the meantime.  The day finally came when I went for a little run to get some post-baby weight off and just be alone.  Somewhere in there, my heart was able to make that long-awaited God-connection.  I just remember walking into the house and telling Ricky, "I'm in."  I didn't know what was ahead, but I knew for certain, for myself, that God was in it.

If that day had not come, I would be on the first train out of here.  God's call to The Well is what is fueling the passion I feel inside.  Without that, the work that needs to be done would be just a big "have to".  I'm not sure why God chose us, but here we are.  I couldn't imagine doing anything else.  

If you're in a place like me and you don't feel that passion, I urge you to find His call for you.  This is a journey not to be taken lightly.  Passion isn't a nice little accessory to ministry, it's essential.  And don't do it for the sake of your flock, do it for your sake.  Believe me, I remember when the ministry was the last place I wanted to be.  Authentically following Christ has made all the difference. 

One Week Out

So, it's Sunday, February 15th and we are officially one week away from our grand opening of The Well.  I'm full of mixed emotions and I feel like blogging will help me sort this out.  It's like the anticipation of your wedding day or the birth of a child.  This is what I've been waiting months for so of course I'm excited.  However, there's a huge weight of "foreverness" that I'm trying to work through.  Just as I believe marriage is forever, or the fact that you can't un-mother yourself, I feel that same kind of commitment to the mission of The Well.  God has most certainly called us to this and I cannot imagine doing anything else for the rest of my life.  I just can't seem to shake this tinge of fear in my heart.  Last night, Ricky mentioned that this would be our final Sunday we would have off for a very long time.  Why did he have to say that?!  It's thoughts like that which make me feel the way I do.  Next week will be so much fun and I can hardly wait for it.  But then what?  I want every Sunday to be like our opening day.  The harsh reality is that it typically isn't.  Just like having a baby, there are responsibilities that will have to be tended to:  diapers to change, mouths to feed, the baby always needing something of you (this analogy works really well!).  But the point isn't what this is going to require from me.  It's what it will require from God.  He's the One who can change a life.  He's the One who can meet the needs of each person that crosses our path.  We are simply an instrument.  So, if I'm selfishly worried about having to handle the hard things, I'll be selfishly pleased with getting the good things out of this.  That's not the kind of pastors God has called us to be.  Lesson learned:  take captive these thoughts and focus on the call to show the souls of this community Christ's authentic love.  

I knew blogging would help...

Crave

Alright, so I know it's been forever.  I'm trying make blogging more of a priority.  We're starting a church for crying out loud--to say I've been busy is a huge understatement!  Honestly, the past few months have been the ride of my life.  I can't believe all that God has done for The Well and for my family.  Our official start day is February 22--that's just around the corner!  The people He has brought us are so precious.  We couldn't ask for better!  

I'm continuing to learn more about what it means to be an authentic follower of Christ.  Just recently, I went on a Daniel fast for two weeks.  I just really wanted to do something leading into the launch of this church that would give me better focus and enrich my prayer time.  It was one of those things I knew I should do, but didn't really want to.  I mean, who really wants to fast?  In the days leading into it, I really let myself go.  I indulged in whatever food met my craving.  Once the fast started, the countdown was on.  Everything I craved and couldn't have, I would log it into my memory.  The plan was to eat all of those things as soon as my two weeks was up.  You don't realize how much you think about food until you have to go without it.

That said, I was really feeling like the whole thing was in vain.  The kids were crazy, my nights went late, so my mornings were as late as possible (whenever the kids woke up), and I wasn't getting any time alone with God.  I kept thinking, "what good is a fast if you don't ever really stop and pray?"  Finally, two nights before its end, everyone went to bed except me.  I was determined to not allow this fast to end until I made a real connection with God.  I turned on the computer and played some worship music.  A song that I hadn't really listened to caught my eye and I played it:  "Yearn" by Shane & Shane.  It's very simple.  The chorus goes like this:

Lord, I want to yearn for You.

I want to burn with passion over You,

And only You.

It played over and over again.  God's message to me was loud and clear, "Amy, you've been longing to fulfill the cravings of your stomach.  It's all you've been thinking about.  Even before the fast, you were planning your days around what and when you would eat.  I want you to yearn like that for Me.  I want your thoughts to revolve around your cravings for Me and when you would spend time with Me."  Ouch!  The conviction I felt was strong and yet warm.  That's just how He is.  

I melted.  I offered to prolong the fast, but felt released from it.  God knew the change occurred.  Although I still struggle with self-indulgence, I continue to sense the pull, the craving, for God.  I want a deeper relationship with Him like I've not known.  There must be more than this...

Mmm...food!

So, one of the things that annoy more than anything else is unsolicited advice.  There are times where I come off as being a little unsure and, wham!  People will just come in and give me their two cents worth as if I've lived under a rock my whole life!  Unfortunately, I've caught myself in the act of doing that which I hate.  And today, I fear I'm about to do it again.  However, I am taking into consideration the fact that you have a choice to read this blog and I have decided to continue in handing out my two cents for the day...

For the last several months, I have been training for a half marathon.  This is a pretty big deal for me, as I am in no way athletic!  That said, it has given me some great time to be alone.  A couple of weeks ago, I had to do a long run and decided to give podcasts a whirl.  It was of a church planters wife who was speaking at the National New Church Conference.  Suffice it to say, I spent most of my run wiping tears instead of sweat from my face.  Since then, I have found myself working harder to make sure I get some of that alone time with God.  What I've discovered is something that has changed my whole perspective on a "daily devotional life".  I have always struggled with the feeling that "time with God" was sort of like punching in for work.  As a follower of Christ, as well as a pastor's wife, isn't it my responsibility to do so?  After all, "what's a relationship if you never communicate"?  I'm pretty sure I just made that statement last Sunday.  I don't think I've been at all alone in this mentality.  

So here's what I've learned and I want you to find for yourself:  stop going to God like you're going to work, and start going to Him like you're going to a restaurant.  No, not the kind where you come in and make a list of all the things you want and leave.  But it's more like a buffet.  And instead of taking your empty plate and choosing what you'd like, take your empty plate and hand it to your Waiter.  He'll make the perfect selection that will satisfy your every craving.  And you'll leave with a hunger to go back for more.  My friend, I sincerely hope that you will "taste and see that the Lord is good."  Go to Him and be fed.

Real Relationships

I'm sitting here tonight with a sense of awe at how different the majority of my relationships are today, versus how they were even a year ago. It was about this time last year, that Ricky and I did quite a bit of soul searching. What surfaced within me was the glaringly obvious hang-ups I had experienced in my relationships, especially with "church people". As the wife of a youth pastor, I felt this weight of responsibility in the way I dealt with every person. There were those students whose parents carried a good deal of influence in the church that I would pursue in an effort to measure up to the "powers that be". There were also those students that were highly influential themselves that I would feel unsaid pressure to befriend. At the same time, I would look into the faces of the congregation and see people who I longed to know, yet couldn't get the courage to initiate much of anything with them. Needless to say, my relationships were somewhat dysfunctional and I was left quite lonely. For so long, I blamed "poor wiring" of my personality for the demise of these relationships, not to mention my ability to minister to others. What can I say, I'm not a politician!
However, I've come to realize these last several months that what was lacking was simply authenticity. I had to start by just getting real with myself and being comfortable with the result. So what if I'm not that impressive! Then, I set out to be the friend of another. Maybe it was just striking up a conversation with an old acquaintance, or going all out and inviting someone to dinner, I put myself out there. I would be lying if I said it no longer makes me nervous and this all comes completely naturally to me now. It still takes effort, but what I've discovered is that my relationships as a whole today are far better both in quantity and in quality than ever in my life. I've always been one that cherishes my friendships. Perhaps now, I've just allowed myself to be cherished a little bit more...simply because it's real.

I'd Say It's Time...

I finally have a few minutes to myself and decided that it's time for a new blog. Trouble is, I got nothin'. I'm typically one that chews on an idea for a little bit before I put something out there, but this time, I'm just gonna write.
It's been a pretty awful day. It was just me and the boys while Ricky was off doing a big bike ride in OKC. I decided to take a really quick shower. When I turned off the water, I could hear Cale crying. Dripping wet, I ran to find him very upset and Camden looking quite guilty. For some reason, he hit his little brother very hard. This sick feeling welled up inside me and I joined Cale in the tears and sent Camden out of the room while I cleared my head. While it's not a parent's worst nightmare, it's up there pretty high. If the pain inflicted upon Cale were by the hand of someone else's child, I'd be having quite a few words to say to the mother (and probably wouldn't be very kind to that child for that matter!). But it was my own flesh and blood that did this--and I'm that mom that would be griped out! The range of emotions were almost too much to handle. So what's a girl to do? I called my mom. At first, I didn't want to. I was ready to hear some kind of implied lesson on why this wouldn't happen if I were a better parent. Instead, she was just there. She came over and we talked about it. I think she understood my hurt.
So now, here it is, the end of the day. And you know what? We all made it. We're fine. While it could've been better, it really could've been worse. Although my eyes are still welling up with tears, I know that what happened is now behind us. I did have a conversation with my good friend who happens to be a psychologist. She knows me well and reminded me that I'm not the worst parent in the world and my child isn't abnormal. (Whew!) That said, I think the most encouraging words I heard all day came from Camden. He wasn't prompted--it really came out of nowhere. He said, "Mommy, Jesus will help me not do that anymore." I sure hope so.
Well, I hope it's not just foolishness to put that all out there. But this IS my "Quest for Authenticity". If I can't be real about the hard stuff, then who am I kidding?
Oh, and thanks, Mom...