Missing Church

For the first time in my life, I missed church.  Absent from church?  Plenty of times.  But truly feeling like I'm missing out on something because I can't be there?  I'm pretty sure, never.  However, last Sunday, Cale and I were both sick.  Fever, coughing, aching, the whole nine yards.  Fortunately, I had capable hands that were able to handle my responsibilities.  Unfortunately, I wanted to be there but couldn't.  I wanted to hug the necks of my brothers and sisters on the team.  I wanted to catch up with some of my new friends that have started coming.  I wanted to meet the new people that came.  I even wanted to hear my husband speak.  (I know, but he's pretty good!)

Can you really believe that?!  I know it's crazy to hear about someone actually wanting to go church--especially the pastor's wife!  But it's true!  I'm so glad I'm a part of a church that is full of people being real with each other.  It's a place where there's not a lot of "fluff" to sit through to get to the part that's supposed to mean something.  AND it's not boring for crying out loud!  

Yes, Claremore, OK needs The Well, but I do too.  I'm so proud to be in this!

It's Time

It's been 4 weeks since the launch of The Well and I have one thing to say: "AHHHH!!!"  Ricky's work schedule with his other job has gotten heavier, the church is growing, and life isn't getting any lighter.  He's starting to feel like a work machine and I'm feeling like a single mother!  We'd be idiots if we didn't see it coming.  That doesn't make it any easier.  We're sick of the word "season" too--as in, "Oh, you know, this is just a 'season', hang in there!"  WE KNOW ALREADY!!!  

Here's the thing, seasons change.  And it's time for the Van Pay's to have it.  We had a long talk yesterday (yes, tears were involved).  We simply can't continue living like this.  It's all we can do to get out of bed lately.  We're exhausted.  The one thing that CAN give is the hardest thing to give up:  Ricky's job.  Not only has it been our personal cushion, but it's been the church's as well.  While our current financial situation is fine, we don't know what the future holds.  I honestly believe that anyone on the outside would look at the numbers and advise us to make this next step.  It's just scary!  

The bottom line is that we'd rather pinch pennies and be able to make eye contact with each other on a daily basis, than be 'ships passing' and not have to worry so much about finances.  So, pray for us!

Crisis

In the last several weeks, so many of my close friends and family have been hit with a crisis.  Cancer, unexplained health issues, major marital struggle, and child-bearing hardships are just a few of these situations.  My heart aches for each of them.  I've tried my best to make phone calls or send little notes their way to let them know I'm here for them.  It simply doesn't seem like enough in light of what they're facing.  However, I'm no counselor and I certainly don't want to give my two cents when I truly don't know what it's like to be in their specific shoes. 

I have been faced with my own share of hard times; when you're blindsided with a horrific situation.  It seems like yesterday Ricky sat me down and told me he had a tumor.  Those few months of uncertainty were tough!  And here we are on the other side and everything's fine.  Sometimes,  it doesn't end that way.  

Here's what I've learned:  life is a journey.  I know, that's nothing new, but it's absolutely true.  These hardships can seem like the edge of a cliff that will bring this journey to an end, only it doesn't at all.  The road still stretches out in front of you.  Yes, it may take turns we didn't intend or want, but there it is.  I think the most challenging part of dealing with a crisis is simply continuing to walk that road.  I know it's hard, but you must keep walking.  Why?  Because there is always a place on this path that we can turn and look back and discover that we're on the other side.  It may take a few days or a few years, but you'll get there.  I also know that life won't ever be the same on the other side--that's not always as bad as we think either.  

If you're one that is going through a difficult time, I hope you hear my heart.  In no way, do I mean to make light of a dark place in your life.  With all of this said, the most important thing anyone can do on this life journey is to take God with you.  Don't go it alone.  It might even seem like He's not there when you want Him to be.  That's okay.  He can be difficult to find when everything seems to be falling apart.  

Lord, I pray for those who are going through a hard time today.  Help them to find You in it.  Help them to keep walking.  Bring them safely to the other side.  Amen. 

Thoughts of a Pastor's Wife

Wow, just writing the title of this post makes me cringe a little.  I have a hard time saying that I'm a "Pastor's Wife".  There are too many stereotypes and connotations that come with it.  It isn't that I don't want to be one.  I just hate that I can't tell people that's what I am without wondering if something changes in their perception of me.  I'm already starting to be treated differently for bearing this title.  Fortunately, it's been pleasant so far.  We have volunteers that have made me feel like they've got my back on everything.  One family in particular has especially communicated this to me.  They help me with Camden on Sundays and make sure I'm available to talk to our guests.  It's amazing, really, but I'm still not comfortable with it.

Another thought that's making me squirm is the issue of finances.  Ricky and I have yet to be paid from The Well--by choice.  However, as soon as it's possible, we plan/hope for that to change.  It's been so hard for Ricky to be working a full time job and get the church on its feet at the same time.  Thus, it hasn't been easy for the rest of us.  So what happens when we start to get income from the church?  And then what happens when we decide to get a new car or I show up to church with a new outfit?  It bothers me that this bothers me!  I certainly don't plan to squander any of the money God sends our way, whether it be from Ricky's job or the church or wherever.  I've just never been so aware of the importance of each dollar coming from the people of The Well.  I know some are giving truly by faith.  And that will never change.  There will always be those giving that have very little means.  So here I am.  Yes, Ricky and I each have degrees, we're both ordained, blah, blah, blah.  That doesn't mean I should live in the lap of luxury either.  

I hope some of you other "wives" can help me on this one.  I also hope to hear from those that aren't.  This is my first time to really be "The Wife".  As a church member, I never once thought anything about the pastor and his family getting or spending too much of my hard-earned tithe.  Perhaps I just didn't think that deeply about it.  What I do know is that I cannot live my life worried about what people think--especially when it comes to the way we handle our finances.  I suppose I just need some clarity, and a little comfort.  :)

Foreverness Begun

Two days ago, what started as a far-fetched dream became a reality.  As the clock ticked closer to 10am, people came trickling in...and they kept coming.  My eyes welled up as I watched family and friends pull into the parking lot.  Before I knew it, the place was packed.  There was a beautiful feeling of expectancy in the air.  My heart was beating out of my chest!  

As I began to sing, I calmed down a little.  It was so hard to not be distracted by the million thoughts that flooded my head.  The music reached an end and I felt like I truly gave God my all.  The "baton" was passed on to Ricky and he spoke the words that God had been burning in his heart for the last 6 months.  Then, the theater emptied.  It was over, we did it.  The Well was launched.  So, now what?

The roller coaster that's been on it's uphill climb is now plunging down the big hill.  My stomach is still in my throat!  The five people that accepted Christ are ready to be discipled and they're all I can think about.  I've never felt so passionate about them learning what it truly means to follow Him.  At the same time, there are some wonderful people God has brought us that are eager to be a part of the team and I want to build a closer relationship with them.  And, of course, there are teammates we already have that I want to contact and let them know how much I love and appreciate them.  My plate is officially full.  

Fortunately, my heart is too.  I look back on a day about a year and a half ago where I set out for a little jog.  I was determined to hear from God.  Ricky was coming home day after day telling me all the things he felt like the Holy Spirit was sharing with him on his long drives for his job.  However, I was the one at home with the 3 yr old and infant just trying to make it through the day without losing my mind.  There wasn't much opportunity for me to hear what God was saying.  I told Ricky that I although I trusted him in the things he was hearing from God, I wasn't going to pretend that I heard it too.  I knew a day would come when I would hear from Him, but until then, I'd just be happy for Ricky and work at not being envious in the meantime.  The day finally came when I went for a little run to get some post-baby weight off and just be alone.  Somewhere in there, my heart was able to make that long-awaited God-connection.  I just remember walking into the house and telling Ricky, "I'm in."  I didn't know what was ahead, but I knew for certain, for myself, that God was in it.

If that day had not come, I would be on the first train out of here.  God's call to The Well is what is fueling the passion I feel inside.  Without that, the work that needs to be done would be just a big "have to".  I'm not sure why God chose us, but here we are.  I couldn't imagine doing anything else.  

If you're in a place like me and you don't feel that passion, I urge you to find His call for you.  This is a journey not to be taken lightly.  Passion isn't a nice little accessory to ministry, it's essential.  And don't do it for the sake of your flock, do it for your sake.  Believe me, I remember when the ministry was the last place I wanted to be.  Authentically following Christ has made all the difference. 

One Week Out

So, it's Sunday, February 15th and we are officially one week away from our grand opening of The Well.  I'm full of mixed emotions and I feel like blogging will help me sort this out.  It's like the anticipation of your wedding day or the birth of a child.  This is what I've been waiting months for so of course I'm excited.  However, there's a huge weight of "foreverness" that I'm trying to work through.  Just as I believe marriage is forever, or the fact that you can't un-mother yourself, I feel that same kind of commitment to the mission of The Well.  God has most certainly called us to this and I cannot imagine doing anything else for the rest of my life.  I just can't seem to shake this tinge of fear in my heart.  Last night, Ricky mentioned that this would be our final Sunday we would have off for a very long time.  Why did he have to say that?!  It's thoughts like that which make me feel the way I do.  Next week will be so much fun and I can hardly wait for it.  But then what?  I want every Sunday to be like our opening day.  The harsh reality is that it typically isn't.  Just like having a baby, there are responsibilities that will have to be tended to:  diapers to change, mouths to feed, the baby always needing something of you (this analogy works really well!).  But the point isn't what this is going to require from me.  It's what it will require from God.  He's the One who can change a life.  He's the One who can meet the needs of each person that crosses our path.  We are simply an instrument.  So, if I'm selfishly worried about having to handle the hard things, I'll be selfishly pleased with getting the good things out of this.  That's not the kind of pastors God has called us to be.  Lesson learned:  take captive these thoughts and focus on the call to show the souls of this community Christ's authentic love.  

I knew blogging would help...

Crave

Alright, so I know it's been forever.  I'm trying make blogging more of a priority.  We're starting a church for crying out loud--to say I've been busy is a huge understatement!  Honestly, the past few months have been the ride of my life.  I can't believe all that God has done for The Well and for my family.  Our official start day is February 22--that's just around the corner!  The people He has brought us are so precious.  We couldn't ask for better!  

I'm continuing to learn more about what it means to be an authentic follower of Christ.  Just recently, I went on a Daniel fast for two weeks.  I just really wanted to do something leading into the launch of this church that would give me better focus and enrich my prayer time.  It was one of those things I knew I should do, but didn't really want to.  I mean, who really wants to fast?  In the days leading into it, I really let myself go.  I indulged in whatever food met my craving.  Once the fast started, the countdown was on.  Everything I craved and couldn't have, I would log it into my memory.  The plan was to eat all of those things as soon as my two weeks was up.  You don't realize how much you think about food until you have to go without it.

That said, I was really feeling like the whole thing was in vain.  The kids were crazy, my nights went late, so my mornings were as late as possible (whenever the kids woke up), and I wasn't getting any time alone with God.  I kept thinking, "what good is a fast if you don't ever really stop and pray?"  Finally, two nights before its end, everyone went to bed except me.  I was determined to not allow this fast to end until I made a real connection with God.  I turned on the computer and played some worship music.  A song that I hadn't really listened to caught my eye and I played it:  "Yearn" by Shane & Shane.  It's very simple.  The chorus goes like this:

Lord, I want to yearn for You.

I want to burn with passion over You,

And only You.

It played over and over again.  God's message to me was loud and clear, "Amy, you've been longing to fulfill the cravings of your stomach.  It's all you've been thinking about.  Even before the fast, you were planning your days around what and when you would eat.  I want you to yearn like that for Me.  I want your thoughts to revolve around your cravings for Me and when you would spend time with Me."  Ouch!  The conviction I felt was strong and yet warm.  That's just how He is.  

I melted.  I offered to prolong the fast, but felt released from it.  God knew the change occurred.  Although I still struggle with self-indulgence, I continue to sense the pull, the craving, for God.  I want a deeper relationship with Him like I've not known.  There must be more than this...