Not So Much Afraid

Depending how you look at it, this may or may not be a continuation of my last two posts.  However, it's something that I've found myself thinking about a lot lately when hearing some of the struggles of the people around me (including my own).  What is it?  In a word:  fear.  It's a horrible little four-letter word that has taken up residency in too many of us.  It's truly causing so much destruction in our lives and yet we're not even seeing it.  Here are some of the ways I've seen it played out in myself and others: 

• not living up to your best for fear of failure
• unable to be authentic for fear of not being accepted
• not tackling finances head-on and suffering financially for fear that you really can't afford the life you want to have
• not cleaning up life's messes for fear it will take too long or require too much effort
• allowing our physical bodies to deteriorate for fear that diet and exercise will be too great of a sacrifice

Those are the big ones, but fear rules us in little, everyday things too.  I'm not writing all of this out of a heart of judgment (I'm talking to myself too, ya know).  This is coming from a heart that's breaking over the damage it's caused.  I'm truly compelled to preach you and me a message in the form of a blog!

II Timothy 1:7 tells us that God did not give us the spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love, and a sound mind.  Have you ever noticed that when you're dealing with the things that make you afraid, you feel powerless and can't even think clearly?  Honestly, it's rational to behave normally around people and not try to put up a front.  It's rational to open up a bank statement.  It's rational to add in a few fruits and veggies.  Now, I realize there's usually a lot more to it than the picture I'm painting.  But just imagine how much more prepared we could be when going into battle with our struggles if fear weren't in the picture! 

I hope we'll both take hold of the fact that God has given us power, love, and a sound mind.  We can access this at any moment, any time, in any situation.  When we are being overtaken by fear, we can know it's not from God.  We can, through His help, overcome ALL of these things in our lives.  "...In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us."  (Romans 8:37 NIV)

Lost and Found: The Easy Road pt 2

Hey, at least I warned you there'd be more!

Have you ever thought something like, "I know I'm supposed to be myself, but who am I?"  In my journey of trying to be authentic, I had to face this one head on.  There's a mythological character that works so hard to be someone he's not, he ends up forgetting who he started out being.  That's sort of how I felt.  I had worked for so long being who I thought everyone wanted me to be, I completely lost sight of Me.  

I started reading the gospels for the answer.  Seriously, if the Bible had a google page, you could type "How to find myself" and it would site Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John!  Who knew?  Anyway, here's one of the many examples I found, "Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self.  What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself?" (Matthew 16, The Message)  So, yes, it's just that crazy--when you lose yourself to Christ, is when you actually find out who you are.  It's so hard because it requires a loss of control on our part.  Think of how many things we want in an effort to make ourselves feel better.  We're always left wanting more and our self-esteem continually being robbed, not to mention other areas in our lives.  

Give it up today--I know it's not so easy, but the first step never is!  Give up your life, your whole life, to Christ and finally live the enriched life your heart truly desires.  It's the most amazing thing I've ever done!

The Easy Road

I've been doing some thinking lately about this "quest for authenticity".  It seems like I end up talking about it to so many people around me.  We all struggle at some level with happily being who are.  My journey has certainly been a long one.  

My issues with a low self-image and insecurity became so severe in college that my roommate (psych major, no less) told me I should get professional help!  She was right and I knew it.  I recall going to set up an appointment with the school counselor only to find that she was booked for the rest of the semester.  I felt so hopeless.  Although I'm a big fan of professional counseling, I look back and see that God had a different plan for me.  He took me down a road where I could accept myself, even before I really knew myself.  This road has had it's share of ups and downs, but it's been worth it.

I remember times where I would envision what life would be like without worrying what people thought of me and it made me afraid.  It seemed so hard to live that way!  There were simply way too many "what if's":  what if I'm not concerned enough about the way I look and end up a frumpy mess?  what if I don't care enough about what I say and sound like an idiot?  what if I don't live up to their expectations and they're left with a big disappointment?  I could go on, but you get the idea.  I was truly afraid that if I let these insecurities go, I would become less of a person I already felt I  was.  What I know now, is that those thoughts were lies that held me down like chains.  The truth is this:  when you accept yourself for the creation God has made, you begin to see who you really are.  It's then that you can behave authentically.  And let me tell you, it's WAY easier!!!  I can have a conversation without being flooded with a million thoughts that cause me to fear or feel badly about myself.  What's more, is that I can be a pastor's wife (there, I said it!) and not worry if people will like me or even come back to the church because of my 'performance' (or lack thereof).  I can just go about my day free to be me and focus on far more important things. 

I have a feeling there may be a part II to this one...there's just so much more to say...

The Label

If you've read just a few of my blogs, you would know that I'm not crazy about the title "Pastor's Wife".  Just too many connotations (see past blogs) come to mind when I hear it.  However, this past Sunday, something changed.  Although it only consisted of two letters, it had a monumental impact in me.  This is what happened:  Ricky and I went out with a couple who have just started coming to The Well.  She was telling me about a recipe I had given her that she brought to a party a few days prior and it was a big hit.  She said, "I told them I got the recipe from my pastor's wife."  Boom.  There is was.  She couldn't have paid me a greater compliment by placing that teeny little word in front of my most dreaded title.  The word "my" made all the difference.  It was something I never expected.  In that one word, I go from the untouchable, "perfect", churchy woman to a person of significant, spiritual leadership.  I went from someone who had to meet expectations to a woman who would rise to the occasion.  I wanted leap over the table and hug her.  Instead, I just sat and savored the moment.  It's funny, she has no idea what her words meant to me.  I suppose I should tell her.

This is who I grew up wanting to be.  Although the many life experiences caused me to run from it for awhile, and although I'm having to redefine what it means to me, I can now say that I'm proud to be a pastor's wife.  For I know that I'm not just any pastor's wife, I'm their pastor's wife.

Missing Church

For the first time in my life, I missed church.  Absent from church?  Plenty of times.  But truly feeling like I'm missing out on something because I can't be there?  I'm pretty sure, never.  However, last Sunday, Cale and I were both sick.  Fever, coughing, aching, the whole nine yards.  Fortunately, I had capable hands that were able to handle my responsibilities.  Unfortunately, I wanted to be there but couldn't.  I wanted to hug the necks of my brothers and sisters on the team.  I wanted to catch up with some of my new friends that have started coming.  I wanted to meet the new people that came.  I even wanted to hear my husband speak.  (I know, but he's pretty good!)

Can you really believe that?!  I know it's crazy to hear about someone actually wanting to go church--especially the pastor's wife!  But it's true!  I'm so glad I'm a part of a church that is full of people being real with each other.  It's a place where there's not a lot of "fluff" to sit through to get to the part that's supposed to mean something.  AND it's not boring for crying out loud!  

Yes, Claremore, OK needs The Well, but I do too.  I'm so proud to be in this!

It's Time

It's been 4 weeks since the launch of The Well and I have one thing to say: "AHHHH!!!"  Ricky's work schedule with his other job has gotten heavier, the church is growing, and life isn't getting any lighter.  He's starting to feel like a work machine and I'm feeling like a single mother!  We'd be idiots if we didn't see it coming.  That doesn't make it any easier.  We're sick of the word "season" too--as in, "Oh, you know, this is just a 'season', hang in there!"  WE KNOW ALREADY!!!  

Here's the thing, seasons change.  And it's time for the Van Pay's to have it.  We had a long talk yesterday (yes, tears were involved).  We simply can't continue living like this.  It's all we can do to get out of bed lately.  We're exhausted.  The one thing that CAN give is the hardest thing to give up:  Ricky's job.  Not only has it been our personal cushion, but it's been the church's as well.  While our current financial situation is fine, we don't know what the future holds.  I honestly believe that anyone on the outside would look at the numbers and advise us to make this next step.  It's just scary!  

The bottom line is that we'd rather pinch pennies and be able to make eye contact with each other on a daily basis, than be 'ships passing' and not have to worry so much about finances.  So, pray for us!

Crisis

In the last several weeks, so many of my close friends and family have been hit with a crisis.  Cancer, unexplained health issues, major marital struggle, and child-bearing hardships are just a few of these situations.  My heart aches for each of them.  I've tried my best to make phone calls or send little notes their way to let them know I'm here for them.  It simply doesn't seem like enough in light of what they're facing.  However, I'm no counselor and I certainly don't want to give my two cents when I truly don't know what it's like to be in their specific shoes. 

I have been faced with my own share of hard times; when you're blindsided with a horrific situation.  It seems like yesterday Ricky sat me down and told me he had a tumor.  Those few months of uncertainty were tough!  And here we are on the other side and everything's fine.  Sometimes,  it doesn't end that way.  

Here's what I've learned:  life is a journey.  I know, that's nothing new, but it's absolutely true.  These hardships can seem like the edge of a cliff that will bring this journey to an end, only it doesn't at all.  The road still stretches out in front of you.  Yes, it may take turns we didn't intend or want, but there it is.  I think the most challenging part of dealing with a crisis is simply continuing to walk that road.  I know it's hard, but you must keep walking.  Why?  Because there is always a place on this path that we can turn and look back and discover that we're on the other side.  It may take a few days or a few years, but you'll get there.  I also know that life won't ever be the same on the other side--that's not always as bad as we think either.  

If you're one that is going through a difficult time, I hope you hear my heart.  In no way, do I mean to make light of a dark place in your life.  With all of this said, the most important thing anyone can do on this life journey is to take God with you.  Don't go it alone.  It might even seem like He's not there when you want Him to be.  That's okay.  He can be difficult to find when everything seems to be falling apart.  

Lord, I pray for those who are going through a hard time today.  Help them to find You in it.  Help them to keep walking.  Bring them safely to the other side.  Amen.