Real Relationships

I'm sitting here tonight with a sense of awe at how different the majority of my relationships are today, versus how they were even a year ago. It was about this time last year, that Ricky and I did quite a bit of soul searching. What surfaced within me was the glaringly obvious hang-ups I had experienced in my relationships, especially with "church people". As the wife of a youth pastor, I felt this weight of responsibility in the way I dealt with every person. There were those students whose parents carried a good deal of influence in the church that I would pursue in an effort to measure up to the "powers that be". There were also those students that were highly influential themselves that I would feel unsaid pressure to befriend. At the same time, I would look into the faces of the congregation and see people who I longed to know, yet couldn't get the courage to initiate much of anything with them. Needless to say, my relationships were somewhat dysfunctional and I was left quite lonely. For so long, I blamed "poor wiring" of my personality for the demise of these relationships, not to mention my ability to minister to others. What can I say, I'm not a politician!
However, I've come to realize these last several months that what was lacking was simply authenticity. I had to start by just getting real with myself and being comfortable with the result. So what if I'm not that impressive! Then, I set out to be the friend of another. Maybe it was just striking up a conversation with an old acquaintance, or going all out and inviting someone to dinner, I put myself out there. I would be lying if I said it no longer makes me nervous and this all comes completely naturally to me now. It still takes effort, but what I've discovered is that my relationships as a whole today are far better both in quantity and in quality than ever in my life. I've always been one that cherishes my friendships. Perhaps now, I've just allowed myself to be cherished a little bit more...simply because it's real.

I'd Say It's Time...

I finally have a few minutes to myself and decided that it's time for a new blog. Trouble is, I got nothin'. I'm typically one that chews on an idea for a little bit before I put something out there, but this time, I'm just gonna write.
It's been a pretty awful day. It was just me and the boys while Ricky was off doing a big bike ride in OKC. I decided to take a really quick shower. When I turned off the water, I could hear Cale crying. Dripping wet, I ran to find him very upset and Camden looking quite guilty. For some reason, he hit his little brother very hard. This sick feeling welled up inside me and I joined Cale in the tears and sent Camden out of the room while I cleared my head. While it's not a parent's worst nightmare, it's up there pretty high. If the pain inflicted upon Cale were by the hand of someone else's child, I'd be having quite a few words to say to the mother (and probably wouldn't be very kind to that child for that matter!). But it was my own flesh and blood that did this--and I'm that mom that would be griped out! The range of emotions were almost too much to handle. So what's a girl to do? I called my mom. At first, I didn't want to. I was ready to hear some kind of implied lesson on why this wouldn't happen if I were a better parent. Instead, she was just there. She came over and we talked about it. I think she understood my hurt.
So now, here it is, the end of the day. And you know what? We all made it. We're fine. While it could've been better, it really could've been worse. Although my eyes are still welling up with tears, I know that what happened is now behind us. I did have a conversation with my good friend who happens to be a psychologist. She knows me well and reminded me that I'm not the worst parent in the world and my child isn't abnormal. (Whew!) That said, I think the most encouraging words I heard all day came from Camden. He wasn't prompted--it really came out of nowhere. He said, "Mommy, Jesus will help me not do that anymore." I sure hope so.
Well, I hope it's not just foolishness to put that all out there. But this IS my "Quest for Authenticity". If I can't be real about the hard stuff, then who am I kidding?
Oh, and thanks, Mom...

How I Role

Because it's been so long since I last posted, I will give this update...I am inadvertently growing corn in my flower bed. Last April, I was being a nice little green girl and planted some flower seeds on Earth Day. As they were sprouting, I noticed some other long, leafy something sprouting as well. Being the non-gardener type that I am, I thought perhaps another flower seed got mixed in with the one I planted. What I didn't think about, was the fact that I had been filling little bags with some corn feed near the same place they were coming up, around the same time I had planted the flower seeds. Long story short (or at least not so long), there are ears of corn just a week or two shy of harvesting--and we look like the biggest rednecks on our block!
So on a more serious note...I have spent a lot of time these last several months, mulling over an issue and I think it's time to blog about it more specifically. Every time I think about the fact that I carry the label to most people out there as a "pastor's wife", this bit of turmoil gets stirred up in me and I don't really know what to do with it. I've talked to friends, colleagues, other pastors, other pastor's wives, looking for that magic thing for them to say to me that will become my answer to the question, "What is my role?" For most of my life, I thought a pastor's wife should be the one that sits on the front row of every service, always has a smile, sings beautifully, heads up the women's ministry, and maybe even sells Home Interiors (honestly). But if you're like me, I don't want go to a church where the pastor's wife fills that description any more than I want to be that kind of person. So where does that leave me? You might be like me and wear about a million different hats--wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, pastor's wife (my husband hates the phrase even more than I do). How do I give everything the right amount of focus? How do I keep from losing myself in all of this?
I am coming to terms with this one conclusion: this life is a journey, not a destination. The one role that trumps all others is being a Christ follower. The closer to Him I become, the closer to Amy I become. And, the more I lose myself to Him, the more I find myself. While I'll never be the perfect whatever (mother, friend, pastor's wife, etc), I know that as long as I keep my focus on Christ, the closer I'll be to that. My desire in any role or position I take in this life is to be genuine, sincere, kind, and helpful. Hopefully, I'm on my way.

Driving Force

For those of you who are unaware, my husband is currently training for the Ironman race. It consists of a 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike, and 26.2 mile run (yes, that's a marathon). Although I think he's pretty much crazy to put his body through so much, I truly have a tremendous amount of respect and admiration for him. For the last 3 years, he's worked up to achieving this fantastic goal--and, lost 70+ pounds in the process. So, being in the triathlon "world" I'm exposed to so many amazing stories of people accomplishing this same feat.
No story compares to that of the father/son duo, Dick and Rick Hoyt. When Rick was born, his umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck and cut off oxygen to his brain. Thus, he lives a very limited existence compared to most. Somewhere along the way, his father started running marathons with him (Rick, of course, is being pushed in a wheel chair) and eventually got into the Ironman triathlons. Because he saw how happy it made Rick to be apart of these events, he just kept doing them. If you google their name, you'll find endless video footage of what it takes for him to push and pull his son so they can compete.
A few minutes ago, I watched one of those videos. It's so incredibly inspirational, you can't help but cry. But this time, I realized the beautiful metaphor of this father doing so much just to see how happy it makes his son. As I watched this young man smile and wave his arms, I thought about the fact that he probably has little to no comprehension of what his father has gone through for him to simply have some joy. There's no question that Rick faces challenges and hardships, but I wonder if he understands what challenges and hardships his father faces on his behalf?
Isn't it easy to get wrapped up in both our trials and triumphs and not realize what driving Force is getting us there? We cross some big finish lines without even a thought of what God has done for us to make that happen. Or maybe we're in the thick of it and feel lost and alone--like no one could possibly understand how difficult the situation is. But all along, it's God that's doing the heavy lifting for us. The Bible says to give Him all your burdens because He cares for you. And when you do, a divine trade takes place. He gives you a burden in return--it's easy and light.
Watch the video. Make the trade.

Signs and Wonders

I have intended to post a blog sooner, but simply didn't have one. I battled a little with this one because it's sort of a theological issue and I'm no great theologian to say the least. However, I felt the need to share with you from my latest prayer journal entry:

I think I discovered something new (yet not really new) when I read Acts 3. It's when Peter and John are walking to the Temple and stop to help the crippled man at the gate. Peter didn't hesitate, didn't have a prayer time, didn't gather a bunch of others around--he just boldly came out and basically said, "In the name of Jesus, walk." And
the guy walked! I thought to myself, "why doesn't this happen anymore?" Then, I decided to read on and got what I believe is the answer. A crowd formed after the man was healed, so Peter took advantage of the opportunity to witness to them about Jesus. He began by asking, "why stare at us as if our power or piety made him walk?"
(Message) Peter knew it had nothing to do with him. He understood that no credit should be given to him, not even the one that says, "well, you still allowed God to use you." I think we're so quick to give ourselves or others at least a little credit for the things God does for us or through us. Maybe if He thought He could trust us to not have even
an ounce of that attitude in us, then perhaps we would see that happen.

If you're anything like me, you've been jaded (understatement!) by the hoopla of things like "healing services" or TV evangelists. I realize that I'm bothered the most by the fact that God is having to share His glory with man and, therefore, I doubt it's authenticity. I want to see miracles happen--the signs and wonders the Bible talks about. I want to see people that will let God use them to accomplish those things with no thought of themselves. I think God does too.

Things I've Learned In the Last 3 Decades...

First, two things to note: this is not an exhaustive list, and it is in no particular order.

• Don't throw a birthday party for yourself at your own house. It's hard to enjoy the reason everyone came.
• Exercising really does give you more energy.
• Pop really does end up around your middle.
• If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
• Unless it's softball, and you're 8 years old. Don't keep trying. Stick with the piano lessons.
• Give people a break. Whether it's the guy that just pulled out in front of you, or the "Pharisee" on the front row, or the "sinner" on the back row.
• If you're going to sing or speak in front of people, don't apologize for something and say, "bear with me, everyone..."
• When someone begins a comment with the words, "bless their heart", they're really just saying something that isn't nice in a way that makes them feel better. (example, "bless their heart, they just can't sing" or "bless their heart, their nose is soooo big")
• There's something wonderful about the smell and taste of coffee in the morning.
• Some people don't have room in their life for another friend. It's their loss not yours.
• I will always have enough room for another friend (or an old one to come back around).
• Although it's frustrating, love does find you and it doesn't need your help (unless you need a bath and that's just a whole different subject...).
• Some days, Camden will be wonderfully obedient and take a nap for me and everything. Other days, he will defy me at every turn.
• Camden chooses which day it will be.
• Naps are a mother's best friend...
• Nothing quite compares to hearing the word, "momma" directed at you.
• Nothing quite compares to hearing the words, "I love you" from the one you love.
• People change for the good too.
• I cannot play any sport that involves a ball or other circular-like object.
• If you're going to sing the National Anthem, just sing it. Don't add a bunch of stuff to it. Unless, of course, you're Whitney Houston.
• I'm pretty sure you're not Whitney Houston.
• Singing is good for you, body and soul, even if you're not good at it.
• You can't sing if you don't have a certain amount of joy in your heart.

Okay, that's all for now. What's on your list?

The Red Leather Skirt

It's 5th grade. Popularity is now in full force at Roosa Elementary. Sadly, I didn't make the cut. I looked at a group of girls that once invited me to their slumber parties, but now wouldn't give me the time of day. Then, I began to figure it out (or so I thought). It's all in clothes. They were always decked out in their Units belts and Dexter shoes (hello, flashback!). I was always decked out in my Multiples belts (Dillard's knock-off) and Payless wanna-be's. But one day came, and I had it. My ticket into that little group that hung out in the hallway before class. My mom grabbed it off the sale rack--my new, red, leather skirt! I should mention here to think sweet, innocent red, leather skirt, not Pretty Woman red, leather skirt. Anyway, I distinctly recall showing up that day with a whole new confidence. I spotted the cool-girl circle and went for it. What I expected to happen was for them to turn and see me coming and immediately stand in awe of my gorgeous, expensive-looking outfit, and say something like, "Wow, Amy! You're so cool. Why don't you be popular like us!" However, the story went another direction. I walked up and I'm pretty sure they didn't even notice me for awhile. Then, I heard them talking about people I didn't know. I kept trying for a place to say something, but there just wasn't much I could say. A few of them gave me the look like, "Um, who are you and why are you here?" It hit me hard--the painful truth that my one outfit wasn't enough to get in with them. I turned to see my friend Sarah and couple of others (probably wondering, "what is she doing?") and decided that I liked them better anyway. And they liked me too, with or without the red, leather skirt.
I suppose the lesson is obvious. Be okay with who you are, right? But as I look back, there's a sense of pride in myself for going for it. This is what I read this morning in John 12: "But if you let it (your life) go, reckless in your love, you'll have it forever, real and eternal." Keyword: reckless. I struggle so often to put myself out there in my relationships. To walk up to that group of friends and join in like I should've already been there. Of course, it's not for the sake of popularity, but for showing them God's love. If I will just stay focused on the fact that my motivation isn't self-acceptance, the reckless part will come naturally. So, go for it! That family member, co-worker, neighbor, whomever, needs to know the love in your heart far more than you know.