My #1 Battle

Lately, I've been in a hurry.  We've had a lot on our plate, which is to be expected, but my hurry hasn't been very productive.  This week it finally caught up to me.  Sunday after church, I met up with a sitter (Cassie--love her!) to watch the boys while Ricky and I had lunch with some friends.  I got Camden out of the car and, while turning to talk to Cassie, shut the door.  Only, I didn't get my finger out of the way in time!  Ouch!  It's been three days and it's still swollen.  In a few more days, I'm sure the nail will give way.  Yay.  

That, among many other things, has had me rethinking how I go about my day--and my life.  You see, I'm not one of those people who are highly organized--the kind of person that can't go to sleep until the dishes are done.  You might be one of those lucky people.  I've seen your kind.  You have a place for everything and everything in it's place.  Trust me, I LONG to be like you.  I just have no idea how.  I'm frustrated by the behaviors that cause the chaos around me.  I know that most of the time it comes down to my lack of planning, or keeping up with tasks while they're still small.  I've always been a shoot-from-the-hip kinda girl.  Yes, I know, that makes the care-free, fun-loving type, but at some point you've got to grow up, right?  While I know that I've improved considerably over the years, I'm still hitting this wall everywhere I turn.  I HATE this!  If I could change anything about me, it would be this.  

I know that the difference between myself and person A goes all the way down to the difference in the way we think.  I look at those dirty dishes and feel an insurmountable weight, a motivation to sleep, eat, or anything but take care of that mess.  Person A looks at those same dirty dishes and is motivated into action and gets it done.

And it's here where a holy conviction comes in.  I'm certainly not trying to compare myself with anyone including Person A, but I know that God has better for me.  First of all, "God is not a God of disorder" (I Cor 14:33)--hello!  Secondly, Christ came to set us free (see New Testament!).  I don't want to squander that gift.  I know I could do better for myself, my family, and Christ's Kingdom if this one area in my life were free from this.  So that's my goal, my focus.  If I can work to run a half marathon, I can work to change the way I behave.

How's that for authenticity?  

A Few of My Favorite Things...

In the last several weeks, things have been a little crazy.  I spoke for the first time on Mother's Day.  It was an experience that I truly cherished, although I was insanely nervous about it.  Two days later, I found myself in an ER after experiencing what we now figure to be an anxiety attack.  Me?  An anxiety attack?!  Seriously, I'm one of the most laid back people I know.  However, considering the pressure I allowed myself to feel, it becomes a lot more understandable--not to mention the fact that I'm a mother of two young boys, my husband and I just started a church, and our income changes like the wind (to name just a few).

So, for my post today, I'd like to take from Philippians 4:8 and "think on these things"...a few of my favorite things in life (warning: don't take this too seriously!):

• Laying my head down on the pillow to drift asleep.
• That first sip of a tall caramel mocha (Starbucks, of course).
• Cale grabbing my face, turning it to one side, and kissing me on the cheek.
• Camden singing his heart out.
• My (still) living flowers in my otherwise horrendous flower bed.
• The arrival of my Real Simple issue.
• When both of the boys are peacefully napping at the same time (these are too rare!).
• Pappasito's steak fajitas.
• Date nights.
• Being all.  By.  My.  Self.
• Buying something already on sale and finding out it's another 25% off when you get to the counter!
• The day those jeans finally fit again.
• 75 degrees.
• Hearing from a friend.
• Making a new friend.
• The moment people from my past realize I'm not the girl I used to be.
• Thus, second chances.
• The smell of honeysuckle that's so great this time of year.
• New life.
• Being the one to find something that's been lost.
• When people laugh at my cheesy-ness.
• When the flashing lights behind me go around me!
• Having a good laugh.
• Having a good experience shopping at Walmart with my kids.
• On-line grocery shopping.

Alright, that's all for now.  There's much more, but I'll spare you!  Have a great day!

Pruning

Okay, I'm gonna warn you.  This is a tough post.  I'm not an expert on anything I'm about to write.  However, I wanted to share a little thought that came my way this week.  I'd love to hear your comments or experiences you may have had with this too!

My brother-in-law sent a text this week to Ricky about John 15 really speaking to him.  So we decided to read it ourselves.  I'm pretty sure we all got a little something different from it.  I've read this passage many times, as well as, heard many messages about it.  This week, something new leaped off the page at me.  It says, "I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener.  He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." (John 15:1,2)

Have you ever been at a place where you felt like you were finally "getting it right"?  Whether it be with your health, finances, marriage, whatever, it was something you were really putting all your best efforts to line things up with God's plan.  Then, whoosh!  The rug got pulled out from under you.  You're left feeling like things were so much easier not doing things God's way.  Well, I can definitely say I've been there.  Take finances, for example.  I remember a time when Ricky and I really started to get things lined out.  We had made a lot of dumb choices in the past and were determined to live responsibly and tithe intentionally.  Although things turned around quickly for us, it took awhile for the turn around to start.  Another occasion was when we were really beginning to see the plan God had for us with The Well.  It seemed like a matter of days after that we found out that Ricky had a tumor.  Had it been malignant, the doctor would have given him 6 months to year to live!

For most of my life, we've attributed these things to the enemy.  Perhaps you've heard people say, "Well, you must be doing something right for Satan to be attacking you like that!"  While I believe that could well be the case, I'm not so sure it always is.  That's where this scripture comes in.  It's easy to understand when God cuts off the branches in our lives that aren't bearing fruit, but did you catch that He prunes the places that ARE bearing fruit?  I never realized until I read it this week, that some of those set backs that happen to us when we're doing the right thing, might be God getting us further down the road.  It's irony at it's best.  

So if you've found yourself mad and frustrated because you're in a place like this.  Take heart!  Keep at it and don't give up.  God doesn't waste these moments and neither should we.  You're growing!

Not So Much Afraid

Depending how you look at it, this may or may not be a continuation of my last two posts.  However, it's something that I've found myself thinking about a lot lately when hearing some of the struggles of the people around me (including my own).  What is it?  In a word:  fear.  It's a horrible little four-letter word that has taken up residency in too many of us.  It's truly causing so much destruction in our lives and yet we're not even seeing it.  Here are some of the ways I've seen it played out in myself and others: 

• not living up to your best for fear of failure
• unable to be authentic for fear of not being accepted
• not tackling finances head-on and suffering financially for fear that you really can't afford the life you want to have
• not cleaning up life's messes for fear it will take too long or require too much effort
• allowing our physical bodies to deteriorate for fear that diet and exercise will be too great of a sacrifice

Those are the big ones, but fear rules us in little, everyday things too.  I'm not writing all of this out of a heart of judgment (I'm talking to myself too, ya know).  This is coming from a heart that's breaking over the damage it's caused.  I'm truly compelled to preach you and me a message in the form of a blog!

II Timothy 1:7 tells us that God did not give us the spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love, and a sound mind.  Have you ever noticed that when you're dealing with the things that make you afraid, you feel powerless and can't even think clearly?  Honestly, it's rational to behave normally around people and not try to put up a front.  It's rational to open up a bank statement.  It's rational to add in a few fruits and veggies.  Now, I realize there's usually a lot more to it than the picture I'm painting.  But just imagine how much more prepared we could be when going into battle with our struggles if fear weren't in the picture! 

I hope we'll both take hold of the fact that God has given us power, love, and a sound mind.  We can access this at any moment, any time, in any situation.  When we are being overtaken by fear, we can know it's not from God.  We can, through His help, overcome ALL of these things in our lives.  "...In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us."  (Romans 8:37 NIV)

Lost and Found: The Easy Road pt 2

Hey, at least I warned you there'd be more!

Have you ever thought something like, "I know I'm supposed to be myself, but who am I?"  In my journey of trying to be authentic, I had to face this one head on.  There's a mythological character that works so hard to be someone he's not, he ends up forgetting who he started out being.  That's sort of how I felt.  I had worked for so long being who I thought everyone wanted me to be, I completely lost sight of Me.  

I started reading the gospels for the answer.  Seriously, if the Bible had a google page, you could type "How to find myself" and it would site Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John!  Who knew?  Anyway, here's one of the many examples I found, "Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self.  What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself?" (Matthew 16, The Message)  So, yes, it's just that crazy--when you lose yourself to Christ, is when you actually find out who you are.  It's so hard because it requires a loss of control on our part.  Think of how many things we want in an effort to make ourselves feel better.  We're always left wanting more and our self-esteem continually being robbed, not to mention other areas in our lives.  

Give it up today--I know it's not so easy, but the first step never is!  Give up your life, your whole life, to Christ and finally live the enriched life your heart truly desires.  It's the most amazing thing I've ever done!

The Easy Road

I've been doing some thinking lately about this "quest for authenticity".  It seems like I end up talking about it to so many people around me.  We all struggle at some level with happily being who are.  My journey has certainly been a long one.  

My issues with a low self-image and insecurity became so severe in college that my roommate (psych major, no less) told me I should get professional help!  She was right and I knew it.  I recall going to set up an appointment with the school counselor only to find that she was booked for the rest of the semester.  I felt so hopeless.  Although I'm a big fan of professional counseling, I look back and see that God had a different plan for me.  He took me down a road where I could accept myself, even before I really knew myself.  This road has had it's share of ups and downs, but it's been worth it.

I remember times where I would envision what life would be like without worrying what people thought of me and it made me afraid.  It seemed so hard to live that way!  There were simply way too many "what if's":  what if I'm not concerned enough about the way I look and end up a frumpy mess?  what if I don't care enough about what I say and sound like an idiot?  what if I don't live up to their expectations and they're left with a big disappointment?  I could go on, but you get the idea.  I was truly afraid that if I let these insecurities go, I would become less of a person I already felt I  was.  What I know now, is that those thoughts were lies that held me down like chains.  The truth is this:  when you accept yourself for the creation God has made, you begin to see who you really are.  It's then that you can behave authentically.  And let me tell you, it's WAY easier!!!  I can have a conversation without being flooded with a million thoughts that cause me to fear or feel badly about myself.  What's more, is that I can be a pastor's wife (there, I said it!) and not worry if people will like me or even come back to the church because of my 'performance' (or lack thereof).  I can just go about my day free to be me and focus on far more important things. 

I have a feeling there may be a part II to this one...there's just so much more to say...

The Label

If you've read just a few of my blogs, you would know that I'm not crazy about the title "Pastor's Wife".  Just too many connotations (see past blogs) come to mind when I hear it.  However, this past Sunday, something changed.  Although it only consisted of two letters, it had a monumental impact in me.  This is what happened:  Ricky and I went out with a couple who have just started coming to The Well.  She was telling me about a recipe I had given her that she brought to a party a few days prior and it was a big hit.  She said, "I told them I got the recipe from my pastor's wife."  Boom.  There is was.  She couldn't have paid me a greater compliment by placing that teeny little word in front of my most dreaded title.  The word "my" made all the difference.  It was something I never expected.  In that one word, I go from the untouchable, "perfect", churchy woman to a person of significant, spiritual leadership.  I went from someone who had to meet expectations to a woman who would rise to the occasion.  I wanted leap over the table and hug her.  Instead, I just sat and savored the moment.  It's funny, she has no idea what her words meant to me.  I suppose I should tell her.

This is who I grew up wanting to be.  Although the many life experiences caused me to run from it for awhile, and although I'm having to redefine what it means to me, I can now say that I'm proud to be a pastor's wife.  For I know that I'm not just any pastor's wife, I'm their pastor's wife.

Missing Church

For the first time in my life, I missed church.  Absent from church?  Plenty of times.  But truly feeling like I'm missing out on something because I can't be there?  I'm pretty sure, never.  However, last Sunday, Cale and I were both sick.  Fever, coughing, aching, the whole nine yards.  Fortunately, I had capable hands that were able to handle my responsibilities.  Unfortunately, I wanted to be there but couldn't.  I wanted to hug the necks of my brothers and sisters on the team.  I wanted to catch up with some of my new friends that have started coming.  I wanted to meet the new people that came.  I even wanted to hear my husband speak.  (I know, but he's pretty good!)

Can you really believe that?!  I know it's crazy to hear about someone actually wanting to go church--especially the pastor's wife!  But it's true!  I'm so glad I'm a part of a church that is full of people being real with each other.  It's a place where there's not a lot of "fluff" to sit through to get to the part that's supposed to mean something.  AND it's not boring for crying out loud!  

Yes, Claremore, OK needs The Well, but I do too.  I'm so proud to be in this!

It's Time

It's been 4 weeks since the launch of The Well and I have one thing to say: "AHHHH!!!"  Ricky's work schedule with his other job has gotten heavier, the church is growing, and life isn't getting any lighter.  He's starting to feel like a work machine and I'm feeling like a single mother!  We'd be idiots if we didn't see it coming.  That doesn't make it any easier.  We're sick of the word "season" too--as in, "Oh, you know, this is just a 'season', hang in there!"  WE KNOW ALREADY!!!  

Here's the thing, seasons change.  And it's time for the Van Pay's to have it.  We had a long talk yesterday (yes, tears were involved).  We simply can't continue living like this.  It's all we can do to get out of bed lately.  We're exhausted.  The one thing that CAN give is the hardest thing to give up:  Ricky's job.  Not only has it been our personal cushion, but it's been the church's as well.  While our current financial situation is fine, we don't know what the future holds.  I honestly believe that anyone on the outside would look at the numbers and advise us to make this next step.  It's just scary!  

The bottom line is that we'd rather pinch pennies and be able to make eye contact with each other on a daily basis, than be 'ships passing' and not have to worry so much about finances.  So, pray for us!

Crisis

In the last several weeks, so many of my close friends and family have been hit with a crisis.  Cancer, unexplained health issues, major marital struggle, and child-bearing hardships are just a few of these situations.  My heart aches for each of them.  I've tried my best to make phone calls or send little notes their way to let them know I'm here for them.  It simply doesn't seem like enough in light of what they're facing.  However, I'm no counselor and I certainly don't want to give my two cents when I truly don't know what it's like to be in their specific shoes. 

I have been faced with my own share of hard times; when you're blindsided with a horrific situation.  It seems like yesterday Ricky sat me down and told me he had a tumor.  Those few months of uncertainty were tough!  And here we are on the other side and everything's fine.  Sometimes,  it doesn't end that way.  

Here's what I've learned:  life is a journey.  I know, that's nothing new, but it's absolutely true.  These hardships can seem like the edge of a cliff that will bring this journey to an end, only it doesn't at all.  The road still stretches out in front of you.  Yes, it may take turns we didn't intend or want, but there it is.  I think the most challenging part of dealing with a crisis is simply continuing to walk that road.  I know it's hard, but you must keep walking.  Why?  Because there is always a place on this path that we can turn and look back and discover that we're on the other side.  It may take a few days or a few years, but you'll get there.  I also know that life won't ever be the same on the other side--that's not always as bad as we think either.  

If you're one that is going through a difficult time, I hope you hear my heart.  In no way, do I mean to make light of a dark place in your life.  With all of this said, the most important thing anyone can do on this life journey is to take God with you.  Don't go it alone.  It might even seem like He's not there when you want Him to be.  That's okay.  He can be difficult to find when everything seems to be falling apart.  

Lord, I pray for those who are going through a hard time today.  Help them to find You in it.  Help them to keep walking.  Bring them safely to the other side.  Amen. 

Thoughts of a Pastor's Wife

Wow, just writing the title of this post makes me cringe a little.  I have a hard time saying that I'm a "Pastor's Wife".  There are too many stereotypes and connotations that come with it.  It isn't that I don't want to be one.  I just hate that I can't tell people that's what I am without wondering if something changes in their perception of me.  I'm already starting to be treated differently for bearing this title.  Fortunately, it's been pleasant so far.  We have volunteers that have made me feel like they've got my back on everything.  One family in particular has especially communicated this to me.  They help me with Camden on Sundays and make sure I'm available to talk to our guests.  It's amazing, really, but I'm still not comfortable with it.

Another thought that's making me squirm is the issue of finances.  Ricky and I have yet to be paid from The Well--by choice.  However, as soon as it's possible, we plan/hope for that to change.  It's been so hard for Ricky to be working a full time job and get the church on its feet at the same time.  Thus, it hasn't been easy for the rest of us.  So what happens when we start to get income from the church?  And then what happens when we decide to get a new car or I show up to church with a new outfit?  It bothers me that this bothers me!  I certainly don't plan to squander any of the money God sends our way, whether it be from Ricky's job or the church or wherever.  I've just never been so aware of the importance of each dollar coming from the people of The Well.  I know some are giving truly by faith.  And that will never change.  There will always be those giving that have very little means.  So here I am.  Yes, Ricky and I each have degrees, we're both ordained, blah, blah, blah.  That doesn't mean I should live in the lap of luxury either.  

I hope some of you other "wives" can help me on this one.  I also hope to hear from those that aren't.  This is my first time to really be "The Wife".  As a church member, I never once thought anything about the pastor and his family getting or spending too much of my hard-earned tithe.  Perhaps I just didn't think that deeply about it.  What I do know is that I cannot live my life worried about what people think--especially when it comes to the way we handle our finances.  I suppose I just need some clarity, and a little comfort.  :)

Foreverness Begun

Two days ago, what started as a far-fetched dream became a reality.  As the clock ticked closer to 10am, people came trickling in...and they kept coming.  My eyes welled up as I watched family and friends pull into the parking lot.  Before I knew it, the place was packed.  There was a beautiful feeling of expectancy in the air.  My heart was beating out of my chest!  

As I began to sing, I calmed down a little.  It was so hard to not be distracted by the million thoughts that flooded my head.  The music reached an end and I felt like I truly gave God my all.  The "baton" was passed on to Ricky and he spoke the words that God had been burning in his heart for the last 6 months.  Then, the theater emptied.  It was over, we did it.  The Well was launched.  So, now what?

The roller coaster that's been on it's uphill climb is now plunging down the big hill.  My stomach is still in my throat!  The five people that accepted Christ are ready to be discipled and they're all I can think about.  I've never felt so passionate about them learning what it truly means to follow Him.  At the same time, there are some wonderful people God has brought us that are eager to be a part of the team and I want to build a closer relationship with them.  And, of course, there are teammates we already have that I want to contact and let them know how much I love and appreciate them.  My plate is officially full.  

Fortunately, my heart is too.  I look back on a day about a year and a half ago where I set out for a little jog.  I was determined to hear from God.  Ricky was coming home day after day telling me all the things he felt like the Holy Spirit was sharing with him on his long drives for his job.  However, I was the one at home with the 3 yr old and infant just trying to make it through the day without losing my mind.  There wasn't much opportunity for me to hear what God was saying.  I told Ricky that I although I trusted him in the things he was hearing from God, I wasn't going to pretend that I heard it too.  I knew a day would come when I would hear from Him, but until then, I'd just be happy for Ricky and work at not being envious in the meantime.  The day finally came when I went for a little run to get some post-baby weight off and just be alone.  Somewhere in there, my heart was able to make that long-awaited God-connection.  I just remember walking into the house and telling Ricky, "I'm in."  I didn't know what was ahead, but I knew for certain, for myself, that God was in it.

If that day had not come, I would be on the first train out of here.  God's call to The Well is what is fueling the passion I feel inside.  Without that, the work that needs to be done would be just a big "have to".  I'm not sure why God chose us, but here we are.  I couldn't imagine doing anything else.  

If you're in a place like me and you don't feel that passion, I urge you to find His call for you.  This is a journey not to be taken lightly.  Passion isn't a nice little accessory to ministry, it's essential.  And don't do it for the sake of your flock, do it for your sake.  Believe me, I remember when the ministry was the last place I wanted to be.  Authentically following Christ has made all the difference. 

One Week Out

So, it's Sunday, February 15th and we are officially one week away from our grand opening of The Well.  I'm full of mixed emotions and I feel like blogging will help me sort this out.  It's like the anticipation of your wedding day or the birth of a child.  This is what I've been waiting months for so of course I'm excited.  However, there's a huge weight of "foreverness" that I'm trying to work through.  Just as I believe marriage is forever, or the fact that you can't un-mother yourself, I feel that same kind of commitment to the mission of The Well.  God has most certainly called us to this and I cannot imagine doing anything else for the rest of my life.  I just can't seem to shake this tinge of fear in my heart.  Last night, Ricky mentioned that this would be our final Sunday we would have off for a very long time.  Why did he have to say that?!  It's thoughts like that which make me feel the way I do.  Next week will be so much fun and I can hardly wait for it.  But then what?  I want every Sunday to be like our opening day.  The harsh reality is that it typically isn't.  Just like having a baby, there are responsibilities that will have to be tended to:  diapers to change, mouths to feed, the baby always needing something of you (this analogy works really well!).  But the point isn't what this is going to require from me.  It's what it will require from God.  He's the One who can change a life.  He's the One who can meet the needs of each person that crosses our path.  We are simply an instrument.  So, if I'm selfishly worried about having to handle the hard things, I'll be selfishly pleased with getting the good things out of this.  That's not the kind of pastors God has called us to be.  Lesson learned:  take captive these thoughts and focus on the call to show the souls of this community Christ's authentic love.  

I knew blogging would help...

Crave

Alright, so I know it's been forever.  I'm trying make blogging more of a priority.  We're starting a church for crying out loud--to say I've been busy is a huge understatement!  Honestly, the past few months have been the ride of my life.  I can't believe all that God has done for The Well and for my family.  Our official start day is February 22--that's just around the corner!  The people He has brought us are so precious.  We couldn't ask for better!  

I'm continuing to learn more about what it means to be an authentic follower of Christ.  Just recently, I went on a Daniel fast for two weeks.  I just really wanted to do something leading into the launch of this church that would give me better focus and enrich my prayer time.  It was one of those things I knew I should do, but didn't really want to.  I mean, who really wants to fast?  In the days leading into it, I really let myself go.  I indulged in whatever food met my craving.  Once the fast started, the countdown was on.  Everything I craved and couldn't have, I would log it into my memory.  The plan was to eat all of those things as soon as my two weeks was up.  You don't realize how much you think about food until you have to go without it.

That said, I was really feeling like the whole thing was in vain.  The kids were crazy, my nights went late, so my mornings were as late as possible (whenever the kids woke up), and I wasn't getting any time alone with God.  I kept thinking, "what good is a fast if you don't ever really stop and pray?"  Finally, two nights before its end, everyone went to bed except me.  I was determined to not allow this fast to end until I made a real connection with God.  I turned on the computer and played some worship music.  A song that I hadn't really listened to caught my eye and I played it:  "Yearn" by Shane & Shane.  It's very simple.  The chorus goes like this:

Lord, I want to yearn for You.

I want to burn with passion over You,

And only You.

It played over and over again.  God's message to me was loud and clear, "Amy, you've been longing to fulfill the cravings of your stomach.  It's all you've been thinking about.  Even before the fast, you were planning your days around what and when you would eat.  I want you to yearn like that for Me.  I want your thoughts to revolve around your cravings for Me and when you would spend time with Me."  Ouch!  The conviction I felt was strong and yet warm.  That's just how He is.  

I melted.  I offered to prolong the fast, but felt released from it.  God knew the change occurred.  Although I still struggle with self-indulgence, I continue to sense the pull, the craving, for God.  I want a deeper relationship with Him like I've not known.  There must be more than this...